Blank.

2010 !

2009-12-31T23:15:00.004+08:00

My last day of 2009 was spent cleaning up my room and working. Nothing fanciful, no countdown parties, just sitting here in the comfort of my home, typing up my last post for 2009.

Today after work, Acer came for a surprise visit at Pioneer Mall! Haha, I thought he was getting ready to go to town for countdown with the boys as we were texting at that time, but he appeared outside McDonald's, saying that he wants to give me a surprise (: He took me home after we had a coke and Mcflurry, which was why I was kind of late tonight!

So summarising my 2009..
It was kind of a shitty year.

This year flashed past without me realising nor figuring out much about everyth around me, which is probably why I just sat back and let everyth pile up, then finally crash down on me. No motivation I guess, to do anyth and move ahead. So I kept getting stuck and pacing on the spot. And then the year ended.

And I got retained.

I remember at the end of 2008, I wanted, with much determination, my 2009 to be a productive and fruitful one. Shit happened. I forgot my resolutions, so I kept none of it, seriously. I am not sure if the resolutions I made yesterday would become nothingness as well. For one, I stuck it onto the first page of my organiser so that I'd be constantly reminded of it.

I found floorball, floorball found me. At the start everyth was really great, and I felt truly energised and excited at every training and PT. But son, I guess the strict training regime, and other stuffs, got me too jaded for a bit. I missed lots of trainings in a row, and I guess my skills suck some shit now.

I'm really thinking, and thinking. Should I just leave the team? My skills are not really indispensable, so it's not like the team's loss if I just leave. But I also don't want to just leave like this, you knw? Before I even did something impressive for myself and for the team.

I made my resolutions last night, and one of them is going to be that, I will never miss trainings without valid reason again, or I will just quit and stop giving everyone so much trouble to account for my presence. Before I figure out which is the way I am going to go, I guess I'll try to get over myself and go for trainings.

This is really kind of a mish-mash, because I haven't really thought about what to post about. This year zoomed away without much happenings! I knew PW was a major shit in my life, and caused much displeasure. So glad it's over.

2009 is also the year I first started to work. Well, I sure knw now that working long-term is no easy feat, and I am dying to quit in just 2 short months. Of course the cash is what's kept me going. But I am also glad to say that, despite everyth, I stayed for as long as I said I would, not one day short.

K, I have a bad headache, and I really feel this is a lousy year-ender. But this is all I can manage! I am even too lazy to upload photos haha.

I shall really, become a better person, you knw? No joke.
HAPPY 2010 LOVELIES!

New blog from 2010, from NOW.
http://astep-ahead.blogspot.com

2009...

2009-12-31T13:34:00.002+08:00

I confess that in 2009, I have…

() Stayed single for the whole year

( ) Made out in/on a car

( ) Kissed in the snow

( ) Celebrated Halloween

( ) Kissed in the rain

(x) Had your heart broken

(x) Broke someone else’s heart

(x) Had a stalker (Kind of...)

(x) Went over the minutes on your cell phone

(x) Had a good relationship with someone

() Someone questioned your sexual orientation

( ) Gotten pregnant

( ) Had an abortion

(x) Have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget

(x) Done something you’ve regretted

() Lost faith in love

( ) Kissed under a mistletoe

OTHER

() Painted a picture

( ) Wrote a poem

(x) Ran a mile

( ) Shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch

(x) Posted a blog

(x) Listened to music you couldn’t stand (and liked it!)

( ) Went to a sleepover

( ) Went camping

() Threw a surprise party

(x) Laughed till you cried

( ) Laughed till you peed in your pants

(x) Visited a foreign country

(x) Cut in a line of waiting people

(x) Told someone you were busy when you weren’t

( ) Partied to celebrate the new year (working tonight..)

(x) Cooked a disastrous meal

(x) Lost something/someone important to you

In 2009 I…

(x) Broke a promise

(x) Lied

(x) Went behind your parents back

(x) Cried over a broken heart

(x) Disappointed someone close

(x) Hid a secret

(x) Pretended to be happy

( ) Slept under the stars

( ) Kept your new years resolution (kept none, more like..)

(x) Forgot your new years resolution (that's why I kept none of it!)

(x) Met someone who changed your life

( ) Met one of your idols

(x) Changed your outlook on life

(x) Sat home all day doing nothing

(x) Pretended to be sick

(x) Left the country

(x) Almost died

(x) Given up something important to you

( ) Lost something expensive

(x) Learned something new about yourself

(x) Tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it

(x) Made a change in your life

(x) Found out who your true friends were

(x) Met great people

(x) Stayed up till sunrise

(x) Cried over the silliest thing

(x) Was never home on weekends

( ) Got into a car accident

(x) Had friends who were drifting away from you

(x) Had someone close to you die

(x) Had a high cell phone bill

(x) Spent most of your money on food (spent ALL of my money on food..)

( ) Had a fist fight

( ) Went to the beach with your bf/gf

(x) Saw a celebrity

(x) Gotten sick

( ) Liked more than 5 people at the same time

( ) Became closer with a lot of people

From Yunrou! :D Year-ender soon.

2009-12-31T00:48:00.006+08:00

Tmr's my last working day at Giant! And school's reopening real soon, speaking of which I'd done zilch studying and revising this holidays. I don't knw what to say about that!

Haven't been updating for a few days, probably because I don't have much in particular to post about. And things haven't been going great. Well, been to the abyss and back, hope things are going to get better from here.

Anyw my mum bought me a new digital camera yesterday. I have been wanting one for awhile but I didn't have the cash and stuff. So since I've got my second payslip (500 bucks!) I was looking around the cameras at Giant. There aren't many choices there but I suppose it's good enough.

The other cameras sold at Courts are like much more expensive. So I bought mine at Giant for 159 bucks (my mum paid with her 10% staff discount). It's Fujifilm A220 12.2 megapixels. I suppose it's good enough for me! My previous family camera is also Fujifilm (I think), which sucks balls. It's like 2 megapixels and has a screen smaller than my phone's.

Other random shots (with my phone cam):

Red hearts and my hand crank. Lovely things.

It's already 31st December, goodness how time flies. I've just worked, slacked, shopped my days away. Tmr's 2010 already. Time for some resolutions making. I will post my year-ender hopefully before I go off to work tmr, or I might not be in time for 12mn!

I'm still struggling to get over myself for some things. And I might make some decision which will change my life in some ways.

Shall not talk too much. Will be saved for tmr night!

New clique so gay!

2009-12-25T21:59:00.003+08:00

Hello friends, I noticed that the form of my Cbox is currently down. Which might be why there are no tags for me, not that that many people would tag either way.

Today is Christmas day, and I haven't texted anyone season's greetings, haha. So MERRY CHRISTMAS to all my friends and loved ones. May better times lie ahead (:

So today, I dressed up nicely (like really nicely for my standards) to attend a Christmas Service by CHC at Expo which Jieren invited us (Sharm, Wenyi) to. Before that, I dropped by Giant to hand my manager my present for the gift exchange which I couldn't attend.

The Service was pretty good. Caroling, drama and erm, preaching. Don't want to elaborate too much. I did enjoy myself but now I should prepare myself for calls/texts from them for more erm, preaching.

Well anyw, I might become a believer one day. But not now. And I will find my faith through true meaning and not by others' persistent preaching.

Afterward, went to town with Acer briefly and we bought each other Xmas presents. Could only stay for awhile because I had to go for Xmas dinner at my Grandma's place. The meal was good and I came home and found that the present I got from Giant is quite a nice ornamental candle holder from Kumar. Shall thank him tmr.

Last 6 days at Giant, of which 2 are off days. Work at 7am tmr, goodness. I shall turn in early tonight.

:)

2009-12-24T00:59:00.006+08:00

I just returned from 5N's Christmas party at Calvin's place, and it was so good (:

We didn't really do any super-fun things but just sat and chatted, ate, watched TV, chilled basically. I feel really happy after the party and I hope everyone enjoyed themselves! We had great laughs over the baby photos that our classmates provided, and gift exchange was cool too.

I got a cute tin of Famous Amos cookies from Shixian (: Yunrou got my Disney frosty cup. I like the cup, it's cute, hope she likes it too!

Then we took class photos. The security guard is so nice and cute too. After taking 2 shots for us, he suddenly said "Candid!" And all of us scrambled around to position ourselves, haha. We gave him some of our food which we really could not finish and he quite unwillingly accepted it, haha.

We still had lots of food left and I brought half the turkey home, much to my brother's delight.

Sat around and chatted more with the class while Calvin's mum was helping us to clean up the fondue machine. His family had really been a great help to us and I am sincerely grateful to them. We managed to decorate the place to look quite cool too (:

Pictures are with Wenyi and Kexin. Might post some up after they uploaded it.
Today was great fun!

Tmr I am going to town (again) for shopping trip with Sharman and Wenyi. Hopefully I can buy nice clothes tmr. I don't think I'll buy my $45.90 black&gold bag. I feel like I've spent a lot recently and this month's payslip is going to be a bit short of 500 bucks ): I will buy both my brothers something for Christmas and give my parents $100 each.

Hope that tmr will be a good day with good finds.

Anyw, Sylvia don't feel guilty alr ba haha, I knw you didn't do it on purpose.
I'm still contemplating what to do now...

Goodnight!

[edit] Here's our 5N class photo at the party! Kexin's quick in uploading them all to Facebook!

(click to get a clearer view)

[/edit]

More rantings

2009-12-21T01:12:00.002+08:00

Life sucks a fuck.

Indian customers are really the irritating ones sometimes, y'knw? Even my mother agrees.

1st Scenario:
Yesterday there was an Indian woman rifling through our already very messed-up towels. I almost went mad trying to make everyth neat again.

She needs to open up every neatly folded towel in every colour available and then throw it back after she decided she doesn't want it. She chose an orange one and slung it over her shoulder, then continued the rifling, unfolding and tossing them back.

What the shit, all the towels are the same, it's not like there are patterns or anyth AT ALL on them, they are just completely plain towels in different colours lor. But then, that was still okay, because I knw many customers are just so strange and stuff. And I was damn relieved when she finally walked away.

But she headed to another towel section and messed the whole damn place up, wtf. Then still never mind, the worst thing was that she came back after walking infinite rounds in the towel section and came to my neatly folded pile and asked,

"Can I have this?"

She was pointing to another identical orange towel to the one slung over her shoulder. NOT EVEN DIFFERENT COLOUR OKAY! Seeing no response from me, she self service and took it away, throwing the one over her shoulder back into the wagon.

WHAT. THE. HOLY. FUCK.

My first reaction to her question was, "I can say no meh?" Next question that came to my head and was one second from escaping my lips, "What's the difference with this one and the one over your shoulder?" Thinking better of it, I decided to have no response.

Fucking irritating and stupid, no? Mcnuggets.

2nd Scenario:
Today before facing time, me and my colleagues were trying to rearrange the soft toys section to clear 2 wagons up for other display. Then we had to arrange all the same soft toys to the same racks, because previously they were scattered and all over the place (thanks to all these customers lor, thanks).

We were very busy the whole time, and haven't had the chance to change the position of the price tags to the respective soft toys yet. Then, this Indian woman asked me about the price of a particular bear. I scanned and told her, "$19.99"

She had the nerve to point at the sign "$1.99" and ask me "Not $1.99? Here write $1.99" And gave me an awkward smile like I am the idiot who doesn't knw what's going on. Goodness, let me tell you. That bear she picked up was about as big as her toddler at her feet. Repeat: Toddler, not baby okay.

Like so fucking big sell at $1.99? If there are such good deals under the sun I probably don't need to work at Giant and serve stupid people with no common sense like this lor. Zzz.

And most importantly, I really cannot stand it, and hate it when customers complain that the things are very messy here, or when the goods are not placed to their proper price tags. For fuck's sake, I am not the one messing things up.

One Malay woman came and complain that we should separate our long sleeve and short sleeve shirts properly because mix together very hard to tell.

Wah, I mix them up one wor. I take them out of their plastic wrapper and look at it then throw back anyhow one lor. I take the clothes hanging on racks, try them on and throw it into wagons when they don't fit one lor. I take the M&Ms from grocery dept and leave them in a wagon of camisoles one lor.

Siao ah all of you. Don't blame us when you are the ones doing all the shit la. I even seen condoms lurking in a pile of towels lor.

Anyw I was in a really shit bad mood today, because of fuck knws what. Then there's this auntie, I KNW THIS AUNTIE, she like kind of ..mad? Every time come and talk nonsense to me. Last time she came and told me the blouse we sell are very expensive, she can make them herself. Goodness, what are you still doing talking with me here? You have a blouse to make!

Today, she talked to me at 9.55pm, which was 5 minutes from closing time. I am tired and hungry, and most of all annoyed because it was so busy today. Then she went to the kids' jeans section and ask me "Why these so cheap ah?" in Mandarin.

So I said "Those are for little kids one." Then she say she can wear because her figure also quite small. Okay, her figure is small, I'll give her her due. But the jeans are like size 10-17? Her waist small also not small until so kuazhang ba? So I said "Your waist got 17 only meh?" because I was really annoyed at her ridiculousness.

Then she say "Those adult one always put so big size, put so many also nobody want to buy! Only fat people can wear but fat people also don't want to buy!" I felt like I could die, but I decided to save some breath. Luckily Yanli came and told me it's time to knock off.

I have exactly one week more of working days, and all of this shit will be over. I will collect my paycheck (totals $1000+) and GO SPEND THEM.

And say goodbye to all of these annoying customers.

Rantings

2009-12-19T00:22:00.003+08:00

I have ran out of photos to post.

I am also getting sick of waiting around for things to happen.

My biggest nightmare come true would be if someone just told me that I am advancing instead of retaining next year. As I told my friends, I would whip out my Giant penknife and stab whoever the person is, unlucky enough to be the one relaying the message to me.

This worry is because nobody from the school authorities actually sent me any official confirmation that I am being retained. Even though my father did tell Mdm So that I am persistent on retaining, and she did not object to it. And we discussed my subject combination and so forth.

More than half of December is already gone. I remember on 2nd December I told myself I'm going to start studying. Now half a month flew past and I've done shit. I just can't get going. Even when I arrange a study date with my friends, I just end up stoning and sleeping and everyth but studying.

I don't have enough determination.
What the fuck am I supposed to do to get me going? Please, tell me if you knw.

I am sick of going to IVLE everyday to check if 2010 year 5 classes are out yet, before, during, and after their upgrade. I am not that interested in finding out about my prospective classmates, I don't give a damn to tell the truth. They could be the most popular kid, the notorious bitch, whatever. I just want to knw if my name is in there, anywhere, at all to confirm the fact that I am retained. Because something is making me feel like I am not going to see my name, I don't knw why.

Goodness, what the hell is taking so long for it to come out.

I hope after everyth, this is all going to be worth it one day.

----

Okay, enough about those. Now about work.

All my friends at Giant are leaving. Acer already left, Junxiong resigned this morning (!), today is Binsing's last day, and Wenyi will stop work after Sunday. What am I still doing hanging around?!

Honestly, it's not that about my friends quitting that make me feel like quitting too. It's like, I guess I had enough of this retail experience. It had been enjoyable of course, but much too tiring and too many idiots to deal with out there. Now that JX is gone without warning, the work is only going to double.

Guess what? Tmr is Saturday, which means work ends at 11pm.
FML.

After my two off days, now I have to deal with working for one week straight till my next off comes on Christmas day. By that time, my Giant career will be ending real soon. It all seems so near yet so far. One day down, 6 more to go.

Yes, maybe I will do studying tmr. Maybe.
I knw I won't end up studying.

----

When next year everyth becomes different, we will look back and start to hope we'd done some things a different way.

2009-12-17T00:46:00.005+08:00

Lovely 5N girls. Haven't seen them for a long long time since I didn't manage to make it for 5N chalet. A fun bunch of people!

Today, I went for my much-anticipatied study date with my new clique (LOL). Epic fail. I didn't even set eyes on anyth I set out to do, just stoned at the CSE notes Vincent gave me, and slept for awhile. Goodness.

Really didn't do anyth productive today except for talk a bunch of crap with them. They are all so funny haha. I left earlier to meet Acer for dinner at Lot 1. He's finally back from Thailand with goodies for me heh heh :D

The tin looks so cute, no? All light and dark greens that reminds me of peppermint! It says double chocolate chip cookies on the front.

So it was sitting on the table next to me and I can't stand it any longer, I have to open it because it looks so pretty.

I opened it to find a silver packet. Aiyo, slightly disappointing ah.

But the cookie inside is freaking awesome! Not disappointing at all! Love it to the max man :D

Favboy bought me an Ugly Doll which I absolutely love and another cute little thing.

Okay, there's nothing much to my day. I'm going out tmr to get some artsy things and probably make pretty stuff for my friends, yaye!

2009-12-16T00:40:00.003+08:00

One of the people I absolutely love in this whole world. But haven't been able to go out with her for awhile. I can't even remember the last time I saw her in person. She's also one of the few people I knw who always put others before self. Actually, I only knw two people like that.. Anyw, I hope that I'll be able to go out with her soon now that the big 'A's are over.

I guess this post will be rather disjointed in thought because I have a few separate points to make.

As I have said before, it only takes me a few blogs to read to start feeling inferior about my own life. The people I read are friends, some close friends, some I barely knw, others just strangers whom I knw their names.

I do not feel inferior because they are smarter than me, have nicer face and figures, richer than me or anyth.

In fact, they are just really ordinary people like you and me. It is that they have as little as I have, but they are so truly happy with their lives.

Maybe I am too demanding, but I really don't feel so. Maybe it's because I just can't accomplish anyth. All these years, all these freaking years. The amount of stuff I have done that would go down into my portfolio and make it look good are countless, maybe even more than the people I feel inferior in comparison to. Like I said, I do not envy them for their brains or looks. But after all these years, I am still a nothing, and I am still not truly happy with my life.

All I really want to feel is just happy and contented. And like my friends tell me, I knw the problem still boils down to myself. What am I supposed to do, what can I even do?

Another issue is that, I have amazing friends. Freaking amazing friends that I don't deserve. Friends that everyone wants to knw and be friends with. Friends who have entire social networks out of just being friends with me. People who, honestly, don't need to stand a second listening to another word of complaint from my mouth.

They don't need me at all.

Sometimes I am thinking whether what I have is enough. I knw that I am as selfish as a human and as a friend can go but I can't help it. I get possessive. It's like she said it's enough that we are close, but is it really?

I really don't knw why they would truly want to stay with me and it makes me worry if one day I will just lose them without any warning.

Do you knw, I am losing everyth. I can't aptly put across what I feel, but I knw that everything is going to be so different, no matter whether we can help it or not.

I am a nothing. After so long, after everything.
I am still a nothing. And even further away from where I started out.

I found the resolutions I made at the end of 2008 for 2009. A year really just zoomed past without my realisation. Looking back at those resolutions, I want to laugh because it is utter bullshit. I fulfilled none of my resolutions. None.

I guess for 2010, all I really want is to never ever bring back another report slip which I'd be afraid or guilty or regretful to show.

Identity crisis, much. Never you mind.

2009-12-15T00:08:00.002+08:00

Two of my best guy friends after Jianlong. And ALL three of them are in this picture! :D

Well, today was a pretty good day. I woke up and went back to sleep till noon, then I went out to meet Seow. We had Pepper Lunch for lunch! It was a good meal, yums. Then we went to our new campus and explored around, was great fun! Photos coming up!

Smothered by the smoke.

Seow was damn amused by the ALIBABA lamp lookalike.

At the big toilet.

"Hello, welcome. This is my house lift." :D

Hugeass auditorium.

A friendly bangla took the photo for us! They were slacking in this room listening to music and enjoying air-con haha.

In the analytical chemistry lab.

Lots of ponds around me.

Looks oriental!

The library! The walls are all glass and there's a flight of stairs leading to I don't knw where inside.

Even more hugeass multi-purpose hall. Can you see tiny Seow? Hello future floorball venue!

"This floor like bed sia. But not so soft."
No more tiles, our passes will not jump up anymore haha!

Toilet behind hall, where we'll bathe after training next time.

We initially wanted to go lie on the synthetic grass field. But softball people were having training. Plus it was so scorching hot and sunny.

Work was cool today because my friends came to visit me! Wenyi, Josephine, Shixian, Vincent Calvin and Kenneth. Love the people. And S.H.E songs were playing on a DVD player today, so I was singing along while doing facing (Y)

Love today!

I'll start studying tmr! After seeing my friends study at Starbucks I feel like I should. We have a study date on Wednesday on my off day. And Thursday favboy will be back and we can go out ;)

Hope people who are flying off on the 15th will have a good trip! Taylin and Chienying to Japan and Myanmar (:

2009-12-13T23:23:00.004+08:00

Two black people, LOL. She who used to send my quotes from the Bible everyday, but she self-unsubscribed the service. Long time since we chatted properly ;)

Hi my friends, once again, I have to say that I don't have anyth to post about. Since there wasn't work today, I went out with Josephine to town to eye up things to buy for my next shopping trip with favorite girls. I still can't find a gold hairband that I like, and the black and gold bag is 45 bucks ):

The last town trip with Sharman, Wenyi, Yeejin:

Due to parallax error, I had no idea I was taking up so much space since all of us were trying to fit in view of a changing room mirror at Code Red of FEP.

In a flash, almost half of December is gone, and I have done no studying at all. Still can't get myself geared up for it. Tmr I will be visiting the new school with Seow and taking some photos to put up here! Our new school is huge, and on the bright side, I'm enjoying the facilities longer than my friends are, lol.

I guess next year is going to be really different. In terms of environment, people, and things like that, and I need to brace myself for it. I've been facing it with a lighthearted attitude to my friends whenever we talk about this subject.

I just said today that it is not that I do not feel upset or anyth about it. Even though I have really accepted it, but I am just putting off thinking about what I'll have to lose.

One day it will all just come rushing to me. Y'knw? Everyth that I need to lose. I don't even need to count what to knw it's a lot. It's my whole life.

New challenge for me will be CSE in exchange for history. I remember whenever I am studying for history this year, I'd be wondering why the hell did I choose to take up history because I had no freaking idea what is going on all the time. Until today. I have never truly studied for history tests and exams. And I swear to whoever, I hope CSE is really going to be better.

My friends kept telling me that CSE is really hard and I need to be very conscientious in my readings to be able to do well. I hope that when I am studying for CSE next year, the same thought will not cross my mind.

Ohyeah, I passed my history notes and articles to Josephine's junior Shaowei today. I hope they can help him way much more how they never helped me because I never bothered. He wouldn't read this but I do wish that he would do well for this subject and that my stuff could help him in some ways.

I should learn to sleep earlier.

3 days to favboy coming back.

2009-12-13T10:48:00.004+08:00

I just woke up to a strange and adventurous dream. The setting was at Giant (seriously, maybe I am getting too much of work) and all the people are being captured, by other human beings, to turn all of us into Ugly Dolls but they were called yorks or something in my dream.

In case you didn't knw how they look like:

I always thought they were quite cute, but still! I don't want to turn into them, some of them only have an eye or three! Neither do I want a "X" for an eye.

So while the people at Giant were being rounded up, I began my escape plan. God knws why I didn't just get caught. I hid on the second floor of Giant while Seow came to join me. In my dream, she used her long fringe to shield herself from view, but I didn't knw how it was effective since only her face was not visible and the rest of her body was.

But anyw she successfully made her way to me. While we were trying to escape, we ran into a queue of people who were caught and they were headed to the check-out counters. Which I thought was a bit weird here, because go to the cashiers' for what? Buy things before you turn ugly?

In any case, I told Seow that we'll just join the queue and act like we got caught, then escape later. So while the queue got distributed to other counters, I grabbed Seow and we headed for the escalators down. But the exit was blocked by a few others who were already trying to escape.

Side track: Giant at Pioneer Mall there is only one way up, it means that you cannot go downstairs using lift or stairs, only escalator all the way down, after you've paid for your stuff.

So anyw, since we were so freaking desperate, we just squeezed past them, which in reality I knw cannot be possible. But the people who were catching us already noticed and were making their way towards us! In my anxiety, I gave up trying to go down the escalator normally, and I leapt off from the top of the escalator at every flight and surprisingly, I always land on my feet without much of a sound.

Which I knw in reality I will fall to my death, or break a bone -.-

Next we arrive at some sort of a car park, which we were sort of playing hide-and-seek with them. Somehow we just outwit and even outrun them, LOL. Then we come to this grassland where there is a huge canal and the grassland went around it. Me and Seow parted ways here as she ran to one side and I ran to the other.

Like I said, I outran them and I still don't knw how that can happen. I met up with Seow later on and we got onto a car where Kahhan is the driver and his girlfriend is in the front seat. Which was so warped! Where did Kahhan come out from?!

Then Seow turned into Yeejin ._. Wow Yeejin really zhuan4 dao4 man. Seow do the escaping and she just appear beside me when we were in the clear. LOL. Yeah and she was going on about how things were going to become fun the next year when everything is different. And I literally screamed at her "BUT EVERYONE WILL BE YORKS!" LOLOLOL.

And Kahhan and his girlfriend were also talking about like turning ourselves in and just becoming one of the ugly dolls. I was so infuriated! I did not risk my life, running my ass off, jumping off escalators to in the end go back to getting caught lor! So I just told them this. And then my dream ended.

So cool, especially the jumping off escalators part LOL. In the middle of my escaping my alarm rang and I was already quite conscious. But I just snoozed my alarm and closed my eyes and the escaping continued. HAHAHA.

I knw that in reality I will definitely not go to such great lengths to save myself, and I think I'm the sort who will just sit down and let them catch me. Haha.

Okay that's all people. Hope I get more exciting dreams!

2009-12-13T01:02:00.003+08:00

Full house (:

I survived my Saturday work! And tmr is off day! Of which I am going to go shopping with Josephine (and maybe Sharman)!

Even though there were only CK and I at work today, it wasn't as tiring as last Saturday. So, it's good. (Y)

So anyway, in case any of you were interested (I guess Sylvia is), here's a photo of my with my short hair, which I took about ten thousand times before it looked okay.

My fringe is still so long okay. Rawr.

Good night people, I have nothing to post about already.

2009-12-12T00:03:00.003+08:00

This had always been one of my favourite photos, and I don't knw why. I just get a really nice and comfortable feeling when I see this (: Missing 4H friends, and chalet isn't coming fast enough!

So I went to had my hair done this morning. Was done by early afternoon, and I look roughly the same as every year after my haircut but this time it's slightly shorter. My mum kept going on about how my hair now makes me look like a little girl when she is the one who insisted I cut my hair short. I have no photo of me now to post, I don't knw why I suck at taking those photos.

Went to JP with Seow again today and she did her free manicure at Nail Palace. I decided against it after awhile. Probably because I don't want to spend 6 bucks making my nails perfect then scratching it at Giant before I can even say "Shitballzz". Well Seow's satisfied with her blood red nails and that's good enough.

I have to say, there's a common trend that Indian/Bangla customers are very annoying. I have to stress that I am not being racist and is just based wholly on my observations.

So today, a bunch of banglas came and one of them told me that he read in today's newspaper that the jeans and shirts at Giant are having 50% off or something like that...

I say: Maybe it's not available at this Giant.
He says: But the newspaper write before Christmas can have the offer.
I say: But we don't have it here, maybe you can try at other Giant outlets.
He says: But I read it in the newspaper today that Pioneer Mall have.
I say: Oh.. But we really don't have leh. Sorry about that.
He says: But I saw in the newspaper..

Starting to get really annoyed at why the hell I can't get the simple message across to him,
I say: But we don't have it here!

To which he hastily said thanks and bye. What the hell, maybe he will complain about me but who cares I am waiting to get sacked as an excuse to end work early but they better pay me still. Like really annoying, no?

Work was so tiring today I swear. Tmr is going to be worse because it's till 11pm. I HATE SATURDAYS. I am getting quite sick and tired of work at Giant. I feel like quitting along with all my friends, but I think my mum would start to suan me. And of course, if I work less I got to spend less, I'll earn about 200 lesser. Does that matter a lot?

Have I mentioned I already spent about 400 bucks since my first pay? I knw it's freaking a lot. But I don't really knw what I spent it all on because I didn't buy all that many things. Or maybe I did. Whatever.

I feel like my life is so empty right now. It's just work and fatigue everyday. I really want a day when I can just sit and lag at Starbucks with a Venti all day doing nothing but relax.

Come back soon.

2009-12-10T12:33:00.003+08:00

We both look freaking retarded in this picture but it's the only picture I have with him! Those black spots on his cheeks are charcoal, lol. Good man (Y)

Since I woke up at 10am, I did nothing productive except stone here. Going out in an hour's time to meet Seow and go explore the newly opened Cotton On at JP. Actually, I don't even knw if it's newly opened or not lol.

I am totally low on cash, but my shopping tendencies are still active! And it's likely that while the man who usually talks me out of spending impulsively is overseas, I am just going to spend like crazy :O Ohwell!

As of today, I have not cut my hair for a whole year and one day! It's a big deal okay, I bet none of you can stand your hair growing thick and disgusting for so long. But it's going to be the last day with my freaking long and !@#$%^&* mop hair because I am chopping them off tmr. Short hair all over again. This is becoming a yearly routine. I've decided to just snip it short instead of leaving it long. And I won't tell you the long story of why I have decided so.

To commemorate my one-year long hair, here's one for you which I took great pains to take:

Ghost much? I'm guessing all of you got scared because I look damn scary and y'knw what, the most apt word is just disgusting.

Look at the length of my fringe man, please. How do you handle hair like that on a daily basis? Now you knw why I pin all these shit out of my face everyday and look stupid, or my face is going to be covered with acne and my eyeballs will be poked out of their socket. I keep feeling like I am talking to myself. Where is everybody?

Short hair tmr~

I can't seem to find people who have time for me anymore. My off day's on Sunday, and no one is available for me to go out. Maybe I will just go town alone and experience what it feels like to walk the streets and shops without my friends, hahaha.

I hope Seow and I get good finds later!
Work again D:

2009-12-09T23:14:00.003+08:00

A few of my most favourite people on Earth (:

Last night I was talking with Irene about the 4 of us. It's very unlikely for seniors and juniors 2 years difference to each other to have such strong bonds like we do. I feel really comfortable when I am around them and nothing I cannot do or say.

Sometimes it's really hard to find time when all of us can meet up. Sometimes I find that we are out of each others' lives for awhile. But we never feel awkward or anyth when we meet again. It's so funny that friendships are so easy to break, it is so easy for us to drift apart and just not be close anymore. But somehow, we still are.

Maybe it's because I am the oldest among all of us? I feel respected and important, but that's not why I love them. At least, not just this. It's how everyth is just alright somehow. I don't knw why and don't knw how.

We could go out once a year, or a few times it doesn't really matter, and I don't knw why. I didn't like them at the start, but look at us now. I am glad I have them with me through all the good and tough times in my life to share my joy and unhappiness, and I can trust them to always make things better.

As I told Irene, there are some friends meant for the study dates, some for the shopping trips, some for the emo sessions and so on. But I guess they are for everyth.

Bestest people on Earth alongside those whose photos I have posted. And more to come (:

----

So I went to town today with Acer to celebrate our monthsary in advance, because that lucky guy is flying off to Thailand tmr for a week. Anyw, we had Swensen's and the whole experience is damn hilarious because we are cheapskate people LOL. Shall not elaborate!

Look at Acer's Mega Burger! It's such a monstrosity, comparable to Carl's Jr's burgers.

After the meal we walked around town and I brought him to Art Friend. That place is so amazing with lots of pretty things. Look what we found!

Mr Skeleton!

Lol. So typical but I gave him the idea hehe.

2009-12-08T23:58:00.002+08:00

Me and Yeejin at Xingnan's 75th anniversary carnival.We wrote our wishes on the balloons and set it to fly into the sky!

I am tired out of my freaking mind. I can't be bothered about my Tumblr now because I am so tired to update anymore there, so I can only see my Tumblarity drop day by day...But, whatever.

Work was really tiring today. Adding on to the fact that I am still not feeling really well, today only 2 people on shift. Freaking busy and encountered stupid customers who make me want to roll my eyes at them because they are just freaking idiotic..

Today I went out with Sharm and Wenyi. I spent $16.50 on my 2010 scheduler. Expensive I knw, but whatever man. Tmr is my off day, finally. I am going to eat good food and walk around town with Acer. Hope I stop getting tired so easily.

2009-12-08T00:18:00.009+08:00

During floorball CIP - Ballet Under The Stars. Seow kept saying she looks like she's having a heart attack haha.

Haven't updated everyday because I don't knw what to post about. Went out with Taylin, Irene and Yijun yesterday to town for a walk. I didn't buy anyth, didn't have the intention of buying anyth either. I was rather stoned at the end of the day because a random sneezing fit started, leaving me low on energy and really tired..

Been having insomnia for the recent nights. I feel really tired, but I can't fall asleep and I don't knw why. I resorted to writing down definitions from chem topics last night at 2am... I think I am falling sick. Having a bad headache now and the sneezing fits continue, making my head feel like it is exploding. And my throat is clogged up, feeling uncomfortable and itchy.

I am kind of bent on not buying things like clothes, bags, accessories and shoes until my next payslip rolls around. Which is still a long time away.. But never mind. I have also said that I will abstain from Starbucks and Mccafe to save my money up for nice sprees.

I heard about the new principal who is going to head up RV next year. I don't knw whether he is going to affect my life, but I hope not. Whatever it is, I just want this last 2 years to pass by peacefully.

I think that work is really making me too worn out. Falling sick, aching legs and stuff. But I still enjoy the work! Even though I am stuck in one freaking clothes section to fold and fold for 5 hours, I don't even mind. I must be mad.

The headache is killing me. I swear I knew what to post about a minute ago, but I forgot.
Another time then.

2009-12-05T00:11:00.003+08:00

This is my favourite clique photo, taken at our first class chalet.Haha sec 2 noob days. Actually I kind of miss them (:

I think I'll post a photo here everyday to begin the entry.

Actually, I don't have much to update about. Since everyday is just work and sleep. I still have not gotten down to studying, it's just so sian to even think about, much less do.

I had Starbucks today after much yearning. And to the disappointment of both Shaun an I, Singapore Starbucks don't serve Caramel Brulee Latte, nor Gingerbread Latte. I had my Peppermint Mocha instead..

Today was rushed because Acer and I had to leave for work. Next time I'll leave Starbucks for a day where I had all the time to lag and just enjoy my drink. Make my 8 bucks well spent.

I think I am addicted to shopping. Oh no, save my purse.
Seriously? I have nothing to post about.

Oh, I just remembered I had a funny dream last night. I dreamt that I was at some kind of event with Wenyi and a few others. It was rather crowded and I think an accident happened or something. When the event ended and the crowd dispersed, I went to Starbucks with her to buy ourselves a drink but we went in separately (I wonder why). After that, I went to take a bus to work somewhere around town, all along thinking Wenyi was with me but just sitting somewhere else on the bus, until I reached my work place then I realised I left her at Starbucks -.-

It's so stupid I started to call her and tell her that I went on the bus to work already but I have alighted to the opposite side to go back and find her. But I couldn't move, I just continued sitting on the bus. I remember looking at my watch and it was like 4.52pm and I knew I was going to be late for work. But then I got down eventually.. And then I woke up.

Haha, what a strange dream.

2009-12-03T01:26:00.005+08:00

Every time I see this picture, I have a tendency to burst out laughing.

Both my feet are absolutely killing me. Think I've been walking too much these days, work plus shopping and everyth.

I feel really tired today, I don't knw why. The whole time during work I just felt like sleeping and wish that 10pm would come faster so that I can go home and rest already.

I must really try to make an effort to start studying already. December is here in a flash, and will be gone in a flash. I must do what Xinyu says, work hard and play hard! Thinking of studying, it's just depressing D:

I realised I still have lots of things I want and haven't gotten. Aye, need more money man. Currently the money's what's keeping me at work. Otherwise, I would really love to quit work and just laze around at home all day.

Tmr's my mum's off day. Might be going to JP to get my Converse sneakers that's on sale for my school shoes next year. But maybe I'll get them myself instead because she'll normally start feeling lazy then decide to stay home instead.

And, I need to start to call in the hairdresser and book a day to fix up my hair. It's a disaster man. Annual hair cut day again. Hoho, still thinking about cropping it short or leaving it long..

Sigh. Hope I don't have trouble falling asleep tonight...

boring day

2009-12-02T14:21:00.003+08:00

Still feeling rather sleepy.. I think I slept for about 10 hours last night? Haha, aftermath of extensive shopping. Will post the photos here after Yeejin upload them to Facebook. She was complaining that the site's lagging yesterday. I'm used to everyth lagging already...

My Tumblr page is looking weird again, I don't want to update there till it looks normal again. Oh, I just checked, it is looking less weird now, but not normal yet.

I haven't been doing productive things! Everyday when I wake up I only wash the dishes before I plant my ass here till it's time to leave for work.. I don't knw what to do but I just don't have the studying mood now.. Sigh.

I'm still waiting for Seow to text so I can go meet her for lunch after her shift.

I don't knw what to do now la. Nothing to even do with the computer. I go iron my uniform -.-

tired

2009-12-01T23:44:00.002+08:00

Oh god, I feel so drained now. It's like the fatigue that should come to me during bedtime yesterday got stored up somewhere and is crashing down on me all at once.

Never mind. Today was a darn good day (: Yeejin came with us too and we went around buying and trying on lots of stuff, and posing for stupid photos by Orchard Road and laughing loudly on MRT -looks at Seow-

I spent 85 bucks, LOL. Much much lesser than the speculated 300 bucks by my mother. Obviously I won't go and spend my whole half a month's salary on shopping la.. Think I'll make an effort to scrimp a bit now, no more luxuries, Mccafe all those. Till January, I'll go for another session of retail therapy for clothes, since I didn't buy much today...

Alright, sleeping in a while. Seriously very tired.

insomnia?

2009-12-01T09:48:00.003+08:00

I lay in bed at 2.45am trying desperately to get to sleep but to no avail. I finally lost consciousness at 5.20am. Couldn't even sleep pass my alarm of 9am, Acer says I'm too excited about shopping.

Maybe, but wtf! I'm damn tired now please. Zzz.

Maybe on December 31st I'll read through all my archives. Should I delete the blog? Or just leave it like my imcomplicatedd.blogspot.com? Aiya maybe I should just delete everyth. It's taking up a lot of cyberspace. LOL.

Haix, panda eyes much.

Good day

2009-12-01T01:17:00.003+08:00

Hello there friends, I figured since I'll do away with this blog in a month's time, I'll try to update more often here. Actually, I don't mean that I am going to stop blogging altogether, that's too much to ask for. I'm just hmm.. Changing the URL. Yep, new blog.

It was a busy day at work today, I wonder why! We were not shorthanded but just busy the whole time running around. Lots of difficult and rude customers today, but thankfully the ever-patient CK was the one dealing with them. I would have exploded already.

Scenario: Auntie wants to exchange the TV she bought to another model, which is sold out at PM. She was told to try exchanging it at IMM's Giant instead. She says, "Can you please go and call IMM and ask if I can exchange it for sure? I don't want to carry it all the way there and cannot change okay, I don't drive a bus."

Ha, big deal. Go get a driving license and buy a bus lor -.-
Everyth would have been fine if not for the you-owe-me attitude and tone used by customers, you knw? They really think just because they spend a few bucks here, they can rule you and make you lose your job.

I hope nobody from Giant is tech-savvy enough to come and blog surf and then charge me for something. LOL.

Tmr is my extensive retail therapy day with Sharman and Seow! :D Going to go crazy with my money man, dying for tmr to come hoho. Best day!

I wonder if I can paint my fingernails black for work o.o

Hate List

2009-11-30T00:56:00.004+08:00

Hello my friends, I hope you like this new skin. One more month till the end of this blog hoho.

Today, I shall present to you something regarding my job. The reason is because I encountered many of such nuisances today and I feel this immense need to blog this. So here goes..

Top 10 Types of Customers I Hate:

10. People who thinks I'm a Malay even after I said I am a Chinese.

Scenario: Chinese auntie walks in, looks at me with a slightly puzzled face, and say "You Chinese?" I nod and say yes. Then she says "You look like a Malay to me leh. You understand Chinese or not?"

Eh wtf auntie, I TOLD you I am a freaking Chinese and I understand and can speak and can write Chinese for crying out loud. Can't a Chinese be tanned?

9. People who complain that the place is messy.

Scenario: A family walks in, and while looking for their own stuff, one of them says "This Giant is so messy lor!"

Eh wtf, who're the ones making it messy day by day, pulling bedsheets and curtains out of their covers then shoving them in any old way down the shelves?
Who're the ones unfolding our towels, have a look then toss them back into the pile?
Who're the ones who tries on shirts and bermudas, pulling them off their hangers and hooks and never bothering to put them back, strewn all over the whole place?
Me ah? Siao.

8. People who think that temporary staffs don't knw anyth.

Scenario: Auntie walks in, asks me a question, then seeing the huge "TEMPORARY STAFF" tag I have on my shirt, proceeded to say "Aiya, you temporary staff, you don't knw one la!"

Wow auntie, if you think that I don't knw anyth then please spot the huge tag before you ask me your bloody question. Don't want temporary staff then self-service please. I have better things to do.

7. People who ask me a question, then doubt what I say.

Scenario: Bangla walks in, asks me where do we keep something. "Upstairs" I say, to which the bangla replied "Here don't have?" I shake my head and say "upstairs" again. Then bangla repeats, "upstairs?" I have to say the third time, "yes, UPSTAIRS" before the light dawns on the bangla to get upstairs and look for his bloody stuff.

Excuse me, is it that you don't understand the English that I speak, or what? Are you the Giant staff, or am I the staff? You don't believe what I say then go look for it yourself la!

6. People who tell me to check stocks when I already told them we don't keep stock.

Scenario: Man walks in, looks around. After some time, ask me about a particular item. I say, "We don't have it." He says "Are you sure? Can you please go and check for me? Ask your supervisor can? Cannot be one la."

Hello brother, I said WE DON'T HAVE IT. Checking it out won't make stocks magically appear, asking my supervisor doesn't mean she can miraculously find it under the shelves or something, OKAY.

5. People who don't get why some things are not available at Giant Pioneer Mall.

Scenario: Woman walks in with her kids, asks for a particular item. After I told her that the item is not available at this particular Giant, she says "How can that be?It's in the catalog you knw! Can you please go and check it out?"

Yes, it is in the catalog. Why don't you get you mother to teach you how to read symbols and footnotes too? As for checking it out, please refer to point 6 above.

4. People who complain that we don't sell something.

Scenario: A man carrying a female toddler walks in and asks for kids' underwear. I naturally brought him to the kids panties section since the toddler is a girl. Then he asks for underwear for boys, and I say we don't have it. His wife then say "Huh, you all don't even sell underwear for boys?" Then give me a really dirty look.

Excuse me, is it my fault that we don't sell underwear for boys? What's with the dirty look, I'm not the one to order the goods okay. Get it elsewhere la, Giant the only store on Earth ah.

3. People who think they knw a lot.

Scenario: Two China men walk in, and asks for dish washing liquid in Mandarin. I told them "A few lanes down" in Mandarin, but they don't understand. So I proceeded to leading the way for them. Then one of the men thought I didn't get what they were saying, so he said "Dish washing liquid." I answered "I understand Chinese."

Hey dude, I understand Chinese okay? You're the one who don't get what I am trying to say when it is really just a few lanes down. Don't come show off your English to me I haven't opened my mouth yet, don't push your luck. Lest you don't knw how to answer when I do.

2. People who act like their all high and mighty.

Scenario: China men walking in, one of them talked to me with some ahbeng stance. He demanded for things and can't wait two second for me to open up the box for them. In the end, he didn't want to buy it and just walked away without even a word of thanks.

Excuse me, 同胞. Just because you have a bluetooth headset stuck in one ear, and you have two buttons unbuttoned on your shirt, you think you very hippie? Don't act like a boss around here and talk at the speed of light okay, I don't understand your Mandarin with that kind of accent. Anyw, I hope your mother did teach you to thank people. I swear I was going to poke my penknife into you already.

1. People who are just damn rude.

Scenario: A bunch of banglas want to buy a cooker, one of them asked me about it. Then he wanted to ask the price. As I was checking it out, another bangla came over and shouted at me "price, price, price!"

Hello, I AM CHECKING THE BLOODY PRICE. What will waiting a minute or two cost you huh, it's not like you have any other important thing to do, sarong-donning bangla. Thanks for being understanding that I might not understand your English, but it's okay I do. Anyth not happy, DIY thanks.

----

Lol, finally done, this is all I can think of right now. Acer would like to give you guys a list too, haha.

Top 10 Things that Suck about Working in Fresh Market:
10. Customers who open up your cartons and snatch up the fruits before you can load them up.

9. Last minute changes to working hours.

8. Loading heavy cartons of fruits and vegetables onto the trolley.

7. Pushing the heavy trolley around.

6. Customers who refuse to take their own plastic bags for their own fruits and vegetables when they want you to weigh it or them.

5. Cartons who bug you to bring out new cartons of fruits e.g. grapes (when there are still ample grapes for them to choose from).

4. Ending work late on Saturdays (11 freaking pm).

3. Ending work even later because cleaning up is ever so slow.

2. Cleaning up the shelves on night shifts (the-ever-muggy-and-full-of-vege-shelves).

1. The glk (a.k.a. guai lan kia. Those who knw it, knw it ;D).

----
Okay, that's all from Acer and I to you.
Good night!

Updates

2009-11-29T01:17:00.004+08:00

Hello there.

I haven't been updating this space properly, I guess I feel kind of sick of looking at this gloomy skin already. Mostly, it's because life's been really mundane and I have nothing interesting to post about.

It was a peaceful day at work today, I feel rather happy. Thought that today would be a really bad day at work because I am working with two guys, which means no one to talk to. But both of them are terribly funny and chatty to the extent that it's quite noisy lol. CK + Kumar = Best pair of aunties.

Have been spending quite a lot lately. I just got my payslip today! I earned 300 bucks for half a month. Cool much ;) But I think one shopping trip is enough to deplete that sum to about half. I have got loads of stuff I really want to buy, mostly accessories, some clothes.

I want to buy some nice silver bangles but you knw what, I have weirdly shaped arms such that when I put a bangle on, the lower part does not fill up the bangle, making it look empty but it is already the maximum it can go without my arm looking squished.. Like wtf is wrong with my arms. Too muscular -.-

Looking forward to 1st December! Seow and I specially asked for off day to go shopping! Of course we said that we had some "economics seminar" which is going to last the whole day, LOL. Sharm's coming too, maybe can do stationery shopping all together :D

The most interesting thing that happened to me lately was the day that I spent puking. I ate a panadol on an empty stomach, and I thought nothing would happen because I've done it before. But guess what, I wasted Acer's and my own off day puking my stomach out. Lagging at Chinese Garden MRT then at Boonlay because I was too weak to carry on walking, like wtf. After 2 hours of struggling around, I finally got home. Not without much help from him. Haha funny much.

Alright, I am going to look for a nicer skin so that I'll update more often. even though this blog is going into history soon... My tagboard can continue to be inactive I don't care la.

Later~

[edit] No nice skins. Forget it, one more month to go. [/edit]

):

2009-11-28T02:03:00.003+08:00

I only want to listen to one song in my phone but am too lazy to set it as an individual playlist. Why do the same songs I don't want to hear keep repeating?

):

Tired

2009-11-27T00:42:00.002+08:00

I feel really tired. Is someone going to make my life better?
And soon?

Doubts

2009-11-26T00:34:00.004+08:00

I am doubting just how much I can do, how far I can push myself.

2009-11-23T14:04:00.001+08:00

I think I am missing out on feeling a lot of emotions.

2009-11-23T00:41:00.003+08:00

I have nothing to update about.

Am I coming down with flu? I sneezed till the whites of my eyes turned red just now at work. Zzz, overworking maybe. Freaking tired.

Need to do studying. Right now.

I really wished I had something meaningful, or even pissifying to post about for you to read. But I don't.

Off to sleep, good night.

2009-11-19T01:18:00.003+08:00

Seow said I sounded like a sick of life person, well I shall post about something else then. Feel like doing some reminiscing tonight.

Just had a mini 6E dinner date on Monday. It didn't go exactly according to plan, but I did enjoy myself. We were talking about some stuffs that happened back then, and according to the majority of my friends, I used to be really mean to a classmate who loves fishing. I didn't even remember that! But I knw that I could really be a bitch back then. (Okay, even now)

Anyw, we've all grown up and some of us look different, think differently and also act differently. Some of us, though, are still the same as ever.. It's quite a good thing that after we've graduated from Xingnan for nearly 5 years, a bunch of us are still meeting up and catching up with each other. This feeling assures me.

I hope that 10, 20 years down the road, this group of friends will still remain close to me.

Many of them are doing very well now. Eileen the one who never has time to meet up with us, is our typical high-flyer capable girl. We all knw she'd go a long way didn't we ;) Jiaqiang who used to be a joker is going for job attachments at a law firm now! Qini, who didn't turn up that day, but according to her MSN PMs, she's doing well too.

Of course people like the Tony(s) are definitely doing well. Actually, everyone is. In their own ways. No matter whether they are in JC or Poly, they are all going their own way and really excelling in their own niche. Makes me wonder what I'd been doing this whole time... But never mind, will not talk about this now.

Some of us have forgotten each other. Kakiong didn't knw who's Sherry and Joselin. Sherry doesn't remember Karthi and Remy. I could still remember our class register numbers! But god knws why I do. We haven't met up regularly. Sometimes not even once in a year. Even if we do, it's always the same few who turn up. People like me, Kailin and Haixin.

Somehow, in a strange way, I miss many of them.

I remember what kind of person everyone was like back then. Some of us have really changed. I think I have really changed. I think growing up really changed my perceptions to things and people. Maybe sometimes I just stop bothering as much as I did, at all the little things. And maybe that's making my own life easier.

What's life now for all of you?
Is it endless mugging, and completing projects? Is it nights of online games and dramas? Is it overseas trips and excursions? Is it juggling of work and studies?

I do miss the times we had back then, the things we did together. Our daily games of Crocodile and Blind Mice in the alley before supplementary lessons. Do you guys still remember Miss Chew makes groups of us to go up and read a chapter of our Chinese textbook aloud everyday? I still remember how sometimes when no one goes up, Shikai and the guys will start chanting "Lang3 ah... Lang3 ah.." And it's really funny.

Do you remember all the funny scandals? How he likes her and she has a crush on him. It all seems so far away and quite childish to think about now. Someone brought up at the gathering that the girls, including me, loves to carry books for our teachers. Haha, it's really funny now I think about it. For me, why I did it back then was obviously to gain favour and act like a teacher's pet. Not sure about the rest of my friends though.

But for now, see if I bother seeing my teacher struggle with his/her laptop and textbooks and papers. I think I'd just nudge my friend and tease him/her together. Actually, maybe I am still very immature. All the "I don't friend you liao!" and the "My mum say don't be her friend!" is really laughable to think about now.

I remember the conflicts too. All the unhappiness and troubles between friends, and cliques. Over teachers' day dances and stuffs like that. We are so immature, but it is something for us to look back and laugh at and reminisce. I think it'd be really boring if we all did what we would do now and we look back to see no significant difference to talk about.

I guess 6E was considered a diligent and hardworking class. We did homework and handed them up on time. We completed the exercises in our Chinese zhi shi hua bao and prepared them for supplementary lessons. I don't remember anyone ever skipping any of those lessons. We came back during the holidays in our last year to type up our zuo wen to enter into the Chinese newsletter. The bulk of essays sbmitted were from our class.

I remember how most of us always got at least 37 out of 40 for our Chinese essays. Look at what shit marks I am getting now.

I seriously remember our P6 years, we had an inter-class skitter ball competition. Our class sent in 2 teams and I was in one of them. Toward the end, one of our team was disqualified and Haixin came over to join our team. We were disqualified when the teachers found out. And I remember Zhilin pushing Haixin to the ground with such force and I hated him for that. Wow what a bastard. Haha, funny to even think of now.

I remember the Mooncake festival where we were in charge of the booth for riddles. And we played hide-and-seek in the dark. How I enjoyed myself that night. And even though I returned in subsequent years to attend the event, it just doesn't feel the same anymore.

All of the times we had in 6 years. Good and bad times. I really miss those times. And the people. Haha. Meet up soon my friends. And may we go on and on for a very long time to come.

2009-11-18T01:44:00.005+08:00

Hello there, whoever's still there.

I am feeling kind of tired now. Not physically, but mentally. I feel jaded and worn out from everyth. Like work, the studying thing in school and the whole retain issue. I guess I am still trying to deal with everyth. But one thing for sure, I am not ready to pick up my books and start studying just yet.

I am getting sick of everyth.
Sick of always getting pushed around at work, and no one really treating me seriously, just because I am a temporary staff. Sick of trying to get pass myself in things like studying and attending trainings. (I lost the fire again, why?) Sick of life in general. And I thought my life was going rather well. Maybe I am getting delusional.

It's like awhile ago I was still attending trainings quite conscientiously and enjoying myself too. But I really don't knw why now I feel the way I do weeks ago. Just sick of it all. Maybe I should just drop out already and stop making the lives of my leaders so hard.

I don't knw. Went for the studying thing in school today, only half the session. Because I felt like I am being scrutinized under a microscope by the teachers present in the freaking cold LT3. It was about 3 degree Celsius. How do I study productively like this? I feel like an animal in the zoo on exhibition. One that is too cold but stripped of fur too. I am better off alone.

So I left during lunch break, went back to school but studied alone in P7. It was much more effective and I managed to cover more things in a shorter time. So I am not going back tmr, I will just study outside school myself, and I hope I do. Moreover the whole test thing turns me off. I can't master Integration till I can even comprehend Differentiation. This studying scheme is totally not suitable for me.

Work was real tough today because there was only me and one of my supervisors around. Almost died at the end of the day. You think it's an easy job, but wait till you do it yourself then you understand how sian it is to the extent that it tires me out.

That's all, I'm going to sleep.
Fucking miserable. I wonder why can't some people just give me a tad of understanding. I am really getting quite tired.

2009-11-15T01:44:00.003+08:00

I hate work on Saturdays, because it doesn't end till 11pm. I really really hate difficult customers.

Wasn't feeling very well during work today, and I was dying to go home, when it was only about 9pm. Normally I could knock off in an hour, but today it was double the agony. I thought that 11pm would never come, seriously.

Anyw, talking about difficult customers. There's this woman today with three kids who came to look for slippers. They are freaking Chinese speaking, but I suspect they think I am a Malay, so the mother proceeded to talking in English with some strange accent. I showed her where the slippers were placed, she said its not the kind she wanted.

I knw that at PM Giant, if the things are not there, it means that there isn't any other things. We seldom keep stock. In other words: DON'T HAVE MEANS DON'T HAVE. When I pointed this out to her, she insisted I check for her. "The one inside the catalog one! We want to buy 4 pairs!" And her kids started to snigger, for what I don't knw.

And after a big big hoo-ha I made her show me the catalog. There's a freaking sign '^' there which means NOT AVAILABLE AT PM. Fucking hell read properly la woman. She pissed my supervisor off lol.

Anyw damn tired. One more day till off day. Quick come please. I CMI alr.

2009-11-13T01:21:00.003+08:00

Goodness, I feel so tired now.

While clearing out my email just now, I realised that it was filled with PW PW and more PW. I am not someone who keeps irrelevant emails, and I clear out my inbox everyday. PW flooding! But I deleted everyth PW related just now. Whoo it has ended for real.

Went to Astons today with Liow :D The food was great, as usual, just that they ran out of mashed potatoes which I would like to have ):

Work was alright today. But it just added on to my fatigue.

I am afraid, and uncertain. I am worried that after one year, everyth's still going to be the same. And nothing is going to come out of it. No matter how hard I tried. I really am afraid. But I guess, I'll leave this to when I really tried but still fail. Because I haven't really tried at all.

Hell. Wish I could be motivated and sustain it.

Really bloody tired. Off to sleep now.

2009-11-11T23:14:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since I last updated. Now, I have more time because

PW. IS. OVER!

Damn relieved that this burden has finally been lifted from my life, and it ended off well I might add. So, that's the end of my PW nightmare. Can finally stop feeling so drained.

5N chalet's tmr, but I can't go because I have work ): I want to try to go? For a few hours and for some food haha. If not life's going to be so empty and boring.

Actually I don't really have anyth I want to blog about in particular. Just working my ass off these days so that I'll have money for shopping and good food :D Off days for work yesterday and today didn't prove to be much help to my mental health.

Didn't even get to sleep enough. Almost fell asleep eating my Sakae buffet today lol?! Alright, I will sleep soon, after I find my cardboard.

Haix. I think I might be possibly mad, but I am really looking forward to 2010. New beginnings, you knw the feeling? Clean slates, new records. All over again, for me to do it right this time. Heard that retainees will not be able to take up H3 subjects at the end of next year though. Feel sian, and no I am not being too ambitious.

I'll leave it to my mind on a more clear-headed day.

Goodbye.

2009-11-07T00:57:00.002+08:00

I survived this crazily hectic week!

This whole week had been filled with PW sessions and work every single day. When I arrived in school today for PW, I was feeling quite stony because I was so tired despite having slept earlier last night. Luckily, I returned to my normal mode after 2 presentations by the other groups.

OP's really taking good shape now. We might just have to rehearse it more often to perfect it. Love our presentation! Received positive comments today except that I tend to be cold and distant (i.e. look fierce with no smile) Haha what you want, that's just my face. And I don't knw how to smile appropriately since I am talking about a worrying trend...

After OP, going to have a smashing celebration at Sakae buffet with 5N. And we all deserve it after slogging for so long. Can't deny that all our presentations are good man. Looking forward! :D

Work today was lots more enjoyable. Most of the time before facing was spent reordering of goods with CK. I don't knw why, I think they are damn funny and strange. It's like they reorder goods almost everyday? Today you spend your time here arranging the stocks in then tmr they take it down and bring it to another place. So confusing and waste resources, like the cable tie! And I feel awkward because CK and I don't talk ._. And I hate to ask him what do I do now lol.

Another person thought that I'm a Malay today. Zzz. I should do what Seow says, wear a necklace that has the word "Chinese" as the pendant. Making more friends now? I don't knw what to do to make myself like, part of them and be included in their conversations. Like I can only laugh or smile by myself at the side when they are chatting. Haix...

I keep mixing up conversation and conservation. Obsessed with PW. Like in my Q&A today I wanted to say conversation but ended up stumbling over the word about three million times, and STILL said conservation after that zzz.

No one seems particularly interested in speaking with me, except for the nice China woman, the blue shirt uncle and the vampire guy? I am disliking my supervisors more ): I think they dislike me too ): Feel like they think I'm very slow or lousy? But she doesn't say it to my face. She tells CK when I'm like standing right there with him, being busy with other things. But it always feels like she has another meaning behind her words. But anyw, I just do what they tell me to, and if I didn't do it correctly, it's not really my fault since no one ever bothered to teach me anyth at all.

I shall do facing faster now and always help the China woman fold clothes in the last hour so that it won't be a mess that my mum has to fold the next morning, and plus stop my supervisor complaining about me! But anyw, even though sometimes I really feel awkward and out of place, I still enjoy my job and the time does pass by faster when I'm busy doing things. Of course, the plus point is that on top of all this, I get money! Have earned about 150 so far for 6 days :D

Off day tmr, finally :D After working straight for 6 days, with PW too. No PW, no floorball, no work tmr. Yaye! Rest time finally.

2009-11-06T00:15:00.003+08:00

Goodness, madly tired these days. Have been working for 5 days straight, but I almost couldn't take it today. My eyes were literally closing out while I was doing facing of the goods. Zzz. Aching everywhere and my head was drumming, making me feel really uncomfortable.

Work today was sian too, nothing to look forward to after work. No Seow, no Liow, both off day, left me the pathetic soul slogging at GMS. Zzz. GMS very unhappening today too, another customer mistook me for a Malay, bt I think I should just be used to it. No hide-and-seek today either, because CK wasn't there, haha. So overall: DAMN SIAN DAY.

Today, my father went to speak with the school regarding the retain-advance issue. Thought he was in a bad mood since he practically yelled at me to wake up, and was in such a hurry (I don't knw what is the hurry) that I didn't have time to iron my uniform and it was still partially wet because I only hung it up to dry after work last night. Throughout the meeting I was trying to cover up my blouse with my bag lol.

Anyhow, love my father's attitude man. When he heard about the school's idea of advancing me, he totally said "Do you think that's correct?" LOL. But we spoke to Mdm Soh instead, so it was generally quite peaceful. I will be retained as I wish, but she's kind of persuading me to take up H1 math and H2 CSE just because I said I wanted to take Business courses when I enter university.

God, I just want to change History to CSE, that's all. I will cope with H2 math, don't worry man. After today's talk with Mdm Soh and my father, I realised that I have really lost myself throughout the years in the school. Maybe in this one year where I'll aim to catch up and do better than others, I can find myself.

I hate the way they think I just cannot do well in math and thus trying to convince me that H1 math is the best way to go. It is true that I have never done well in my math but after all this, if I still could believe that I can make it if I really tried, why stop me? Even telling me the speculations that I might only get a maximum grade of C for math in A levels is not going to deter me.

I need to prove my worth. You knw, I'll be better than this.

Hectic!

2009-11-03T23:21:00.004+08:00

Wow I finally have some time to come and update.
Life's been crazily hectic for the past few days because my work at Giant had started officially.

Routine for the past few days:
7am: Wake up
9-1pm: In school for PW
1-4pm: Buffer time for PW/transport/lunch
5-10pm: Work
11pm: Dinner (What a mad time to eat, like I'm munching on a prawn now...)
11-2am: PW
2-7am: Sleep

Crazy much? Haven't had sufficient sleep ever since god-knws-when. Feel damn chui everyday before going to bed and after I wake up. But after this week, things are going to get lighter because PW will stop taking up so much of my time. Glad that our OP has taken shape. On to the intensive rehearsing now!

Yesterday on the way home, I was stuck in the huge rain for super long. Resulting in me having no time at all to rest when I get home. I literally reached home, dried myself, change into my work uniform and went out again. Madness.

Anyw, about my job in Giant. I work in the General Merchandise Department, mostly to clean and arrange the items properly, and tag on missing price labels. This is damn cool to do! My fellow colleagues are helpful and friendly people, and they always answer my questions patiently, because I am such a noob who doesn't knw anyth when customers ask me something. Haha.

So far, I'm enjoying my job, minus the fact that it ends rather late and there's still PW to do when I get home. I learn a lot from everyone everyday. I just hope for PW to be over quickly so I can stop being so chui. Plus arrange to work in the morning shift so that I can make it for Wednesday trainings.

Both Seow and Liow also on the same shift as I am but we work on different floors. Seow has a tough time haha. Liow complains a lot. So do I. LOL. If you come by Pioneer Mall Giant, can come look for us haha. Seow's the cashier and Liow's around the fruits and vegetables. I should be around irons and rice cookers ._.

Feel that life has more meaning. Feel good about my groups's OP, love trainings, love my job. Can''t get much better :D

Off for PW now.

[edit] Oh yes, I want to add that, a lot of cutomers at Giant think that I am a Malay. Like wow, I didn't knw I was that tanned.

Case #1: Last night, two Chinese women came to me to ask about the price of some washing detergent. One of them started rattling off in broken English, which I couldn't really understand. After that I said "There is only this." in Chinese then the woman said "你是华人啊!"

Case #2: Today, a Malay man walked towards me with some product. And starts rattling off in Malay. Thinking he can't speak English well, like many other customers, I tried to pick out key words. There were none. Seeing my blank look, the man went, in English "Oh, you're not a Malay?!"

.Zzz thanks man.. [/edit]

2009-11-01T12:10:00.000+08:00

心里有点乱...
时间不够了吗?

2009-11-01T00:12:00.002+08:00

Even though the WR had just been put to bed yesterday, the OP is already here to haunt me. My class had not started any official consultation sessions for OP, no reviews or anyth yet. But we're expected to be having a rehearsal on Monday's meeting already. Crazy much?

Maybe I can just conveniently forget about my I&R. Trademark probably wouldn't get around to reviewing it anyway.

And, don't ask me why is my blog skin so dark or emo. I just have a fetish for swirly patterns, and yeah dark skins.

Floorball was tiring today. Almost got killed by PT, it always turns my legs to jelly. Training was less tiring than the previous session, but still too tough for comfort. Am quite glad that I am enjoying myself greatly during trainings despite the difficult times. Will become stronger.

Am supposed to go for Great Eastern Women 10k Run CIP in about 3 hours' time. But my parents wouldn't hear of the idea of my sleeping over at Wenyi's place. Which is really, so irritating considering I am already 17 years old. So will just sleep enough, do my OP slides, and prepare for my first day of work tmr at 5pm. Going to have lunch with Liow after his shift :D

----

Feel like many things are in a mess. I just have to endure another 2 weeks or so of endless PW, and I would be liberated. But I am still worrying about the retain-advance issue. I am getting so irritated at both the school and my father. One for insisting to meet up when there is really no point at all, and the other for arranging and rearranging the date and time for so long and making my life so damn tough.

I don't even care about what they want to do to me, or whatever. You want me to retain? I'll retain. You want me to advance? Then I'll advance. There is really nothing much to discuss about it, it is so simple and straight forward. My father is skeptical that with my DDSSU results the school would allow me to advance. Well, just you wait and see what they tell you during the meeting. Told you things are screwed.

Judging from what my friends say about the meeting, it is really just pointless. I wonder what is stopping you from making a decision right now, then and there. It's just one word, what are you even considering? Why must you take another 2 months to consider? It's my life. And you think it is right to push us ahead and leave us to fend for ourselves when we obviously don't have the ability to? That just about sums you up. I don't stand to take shit which screws my life.

Whatever it is, I really don't knw whether I am supposed to have my own thinking and perceptions anymore, and I guess I have thrown them out the window because now I don't knw and don't care about what I want anymore.

Tired of drama. Close the curtains please.

Fatigue

2009-10-30T22:00:00.004+08:00

Finally, the wretched WR is completed and submitted. Days and nights of consultations and slogging are over. Or has it not? The routine of the past few days had been PW in the early morning, work in the afternoon till evening, and PW at night, then the cycle repeats. Haven't had sufficient sleep at all for the past few nights.

At least it is over. But then it's on to OP now. We have not even started much, and I have conveniently neglected my I&R for the WR. Zzz. And I think I'm going to sleep my worth after floorball training tmr since I am starting work on Sunday. Don't want myself to overwork.

Feel like I'm being sucked into the black hole of fatigue. Do you knw what it's like? When you close your eyes, you feel like you're falling through space, and it's spinning, spinning.. And the feeling is so immense you don't want to ever open your eyes again. I am going to sleep right after I post this before I turn into a zombie/panda.

In the past few days, I'd felt frustrated, hopeless, overwhelmed, relieved, resolved, but mostly, just plain tired. You knw, shit does happen. But it forced me to come to terms with my temper and just try to rely on ourselves for abit. And you knw what? We made it, but we will never trust you again.

Anyw, I want to say that, my group members are really committed and responsible. I feel much more fortunate after today. Good job people, last lap to go!

Goodnight my whole world, just fade out and let me sleep till 7am tmr.

Go Ahead, Leave Her

2009-10-28T20:59:00.002+08:00

I have about ten thousand things I want to complain about my PW now, but I guess saying whatever doesn't even matter. So I might as well just shut up and save some energy to complete my WR right now. While you? You can go and eat shit.

2 more days to the final submission of WR. What to even say?
I just feel fucking tired about everyth.

AND HEARTLESS BASTARD STOP SAYING I AM PLAYING LA IDIOT, I AM DOING FUCKING PW.

----

Perfectly Imperfect.

THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND?

Yes, she exists. And NO, she’s NOT the supermodel type with the long legs and perfect skin. She’s even BETTER. She’s the type of girl that looks BORING, the one you’d overlook —she’d be your LAST choice.

At worst she’s insecure, clingy, shallow, jealous, nagging, SENSITIVE, EMOTIONAL, DRAMATIC and annoying. But if you can’t handle her at her worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve her at her best.

So, what is a PERFECT GIRLFRIEND?

They say there’s no such thing as perfection and that she doesn’t exist. Oh trust me, SHE DOES.

She dresses up all cute and pretty every time YOU take her out on a date. This is her way of keeping YOU interested as your eyes are locked solely on her. You stare at other girls instead, and she gets hurt and upset that all her time and effort were put to waste.

YOU CALL HER INSECURE.

She holds on to YOU like she’s never letting YOU go. This is her way of telling other girls that she’s lucky that she has YOU, and no, YOU’re not available.

YOU CALL HER CLINGY.

She calls YOU the sweetest nicknames, or ones that only YOU two will understand. This is her way of saying how special YOU are, and that there’s nobody else in this world like YOU. You call other girls “BABE” just as how YOU would call her, and she gets disappointed.

YOU CALL HER SHALLOW AND JEALOUS.

She checks up on YOU, making sure YOU made it home safely or that YOU’re not out getting yourself into any kind of trouble. This is her way of showing how often she thinks about YOU and that she worries constantly because that’s how much she cares.

YOU SAY SHE’S NAGGING.

She cries when YOU do or say something wrong. This is her way of saying “that hurts only because YOU said it and I LOVE YOU.”

YOU CALL HER OVERLY SENSITIVE AND EMOTIONAL.

She loves YOU more than YOU love her. This is her way of dealing with the FACT that your relationship wasn’t like how it used to be.

YOU CALL HER DRAMATIC AND ANNOYING.

So go ahead. Leave the insecure, clingy, jealous, nagging, OVERLY SENSITIVE, annoying girl. She will soon be much happier in the arms of someone who actually deserves her: the PERFECT boyfriend.

(via happified)

Irritated

2009-10-26T23:38:00.004+08:00

My mind is in a confused state. And I don't think I will ever stop reeling from this. Not for a long long time.

So tell me, if you've got a decision for me, you're made up my mind for me, you're lain the path out for me, WHAT do you want to hear from me? If nothing I say is going to matter at all, WHY waste our time? Just give me one word, what do you want me to do? Just one freaking word, settles it.

I don't even care anymore about whatever I'm going to end up as. Retain or advance, whatever man. I am still going to work and study my ass off this holidays, it doesn't MATTER. So tell me! What the heck do you want?

Whatever it is, I think it's just a waste of time if all you're going to do is sit there and shoot me down. So what do you knw about me? What do you think you knw about the way I live my life? Don't make assumptions, don't think you knw when you really don't. Don't write my life for me because you really don't knw any of our lives like you think you do.

I knw it might not be fair, since I have not had the chance to speak to you. But no one in the room will knw me and how I study or how I work at all. None of you knw a thing. I am so sick and tired of you people throwing and feeding me thoughts expecting me to eat it up and digest it. And when I have, you dig it out from my stomach, half digested and stuff a whole new thing in for me to re-digest again.

Well, obviously my half full stomach will just puke everyth out and refuse to eat anymore. I hate the way you people have already drafted out your great plans and we are just expected to fall neatly into it like nothing we think really matters. Does it not? I just don't see the point of anyth if I had to go there and not have a word of what I really feel but getting shot down.

So what do you want? I just want a break man.

I wished some people didn't have to make life so hard. I wished they would stop contradicting themselves all the time, and throw their stupid shit temper around at me, when I did nothing wrong.

Honestly, can everyone just stop whining and let my life be about myself for awhile?

2009-10-25T23:34:00.003+08:00

I knw I don't have much to post about, but I just feel like writing.

I just realised that with PW, floorball, work and whatever other various activities, it is almost impossible to do much studying of any kind during this long holidays. Tmr's the day when my parents are supposed to go meet the principal. But since no one is, I shall just go alone and see if anyone would like to speak to an insignificant 17 year old about her own life.

Starting to feel uncertain. Not about all that I am going to lose. But is this one more year really going to make a difference? Am I going to make it count?

2009-10-25T10:02:00.001+08:00

I'm suffering from about ten thousand aches all over my body. Thanks to the crazy drilling yesterday, feel like I can't move an inch without feeling some sort of pain.

I honestly wonder how, every time, no matter how beaten up I am, how sick and tired of life and everyth else that screws up. When someone needs me, I am still able to provide my honest opinions and advice. When I am already feeling so low down in the first place, I wonder how I do that.

I never bailed out and said "Sorry, I'm not feeling very good now myself" if my friends really need me. Different story if it's just mindless chatting... But it gets tiring. All the time. When it becomes like my own problems ceases to exist, and my life is just about the imperfections of another's life. It really gets tiring.

I have really reached a point where I couldn't be bothered to knw or hear about any more crazy things in everyone else's lives. And just let me get on with my own for awhile.

Feeling so, so tired..

2009-10-24T21:38:00.005+08:00

Oh finally, the page's loaded. I have lots of pictures to be posted here, and stuffs to say.
Currently feeling tired but quite lighthearted.

2509 - Kbox for Seow's birthday!

Us with our cakes.Didn't manage to catch an individual photo of Kexin though D:

The happy Seow with her cake.

All of us.

Framed for you, the birthday girl making a wish (:

----

5N Mooncake Festival Celebration

The girls who reached first.

More girls yet.

All of us :D

5N!

----

Random day out to town

I'm holding the milk tea from Fareast basement which I am currently addicted to! :D (Sharman suddenly so tall...)

At Orchard Central toilet...

Rawr! Jam packed in one corner D:

End of the day, when I was really tired and couldn't smile. But the rest are still as pretty haha.

----

After floorball CIP...

At Pandan Reservoir. Cool much?

More photos to be uploaded by Zhenxi! John Tan took many candid shots of us and some were so unglam!

Anyw, I returned to training today. Felt that it was fun and fulfilling maybe because I haven't been back at training and giving my all for a really really long time. Plus there was PT under the scorching hot sun before training, leaving me kind of weak-kneed at the end of everyth.

Today was also like a military training. Mrs Chan was fully "Water break 20 seconds!" And start counting down... Same for Stella for awhile. Still, I really felt that I enjoyed myself today, if not for the sun. I am sun burnt now, not even kidding.

PW for tmr, then maybe can catch up a bit with my girlfriends. Haven't been out with them since forever, was hoping for a really nice long ranting-about-my-usual-shit-life session. Only to be told by my father that we are going out for dinner tmr since it's my brother's birthday. So I can't stay long with them much as I would like to.

Also, about the retain-advanced thing. For those who still doesn't know, I have opted to repeat and have made this known to the school on my own since my father fully rejected me to go and meet the principal. He was being a complete asshole about this issue, so fine, I can take matters in my own hands. It's my life and anyw, I can tell my mum supports me.

Things are getting warped huh? Since when was my mum the nice one around? She even got me a job at Giant, the place she works! So I might start working night shift every night from the week after onwards. $$ come to me! Then I can buy a new stick now that I feel the spark for floorball again.

I just hope I stay alive and stop looking like a panda.

The ulcer in my mouth is really irritating me. If anyth, it just seems to get bigger everyday that it feels like I have a slit right at my gums. Painful to have food get stuck because it's really quite big. So I can only chew with one side of my mouth. Zzz. Go away soon please.

Update soon.

2009-10-24T00:21:00.001+08:00

I feel totally drained right now because PW has sucked the life out of me for the past few nights. Have been waking up and going to school at 8am for consecutive days too.

There are a lot of things waiting to be posted. Photos are piling up. But don't have the time right now to deal with all that. Plus the whole retain-advance thing. I feel too tired now to say much, but I am getting my way.

Training tmr. I think I will die from overwork soon. Without having actually started work. Nice.
Good night.

2009-10-21T00:02:00.002+08:00

Life kind of sucks right now.

1. My mother doesn't support my wanting to be retain because she think I'm not going to make good of it anyw.
2. I still have not told my father. I think he saw it too though, but put it aside without signing.
3. My I&R draft 1 is like crap, but Ms Tee says another draft should be enough, which I fail to see how.
4. I jammed the printer cartridge today while trying to print my I&R. For some reason, it can't get unstuck no matter what I do to it. So I can't print my I&R out and make changes without using the comp.
5. There's chem make-up lesson in 8 hours and I have not done the tutorial yet. Nice.
6. After that there's PW consultation, followed by floorball at freaking 4.30pm, which I don't even knw if I am turning up for. The thought of it turns me off.
7. I only have 5 bucks a day for this holidays. God knws how do I survive.
8.

Ah forget it. FML.

Madness

2009-10-20T11:21:00.002+08:00

Goodness, I've been bitten by the PW bug!
Slept at almost 3.30am and woke up at 9.30am, an hour later than I intended to. Feel like my eyes can't be opened man, really tired.

Nonetheless, I hope that my group's WR will be done in a few hours' time, and when it's finalised, hopefully we can BOOMZ our OP slides out quickly ;)

Alright, enough about PW.

I didn't tell my parents last night, though I was darn sure I would. I was hoping my mother would go to sleep early so that I could catch my father alone and tell him about the meeting next Monday. But my mother just knew how to pick the day to stay up late, it wasn't till about 1230am that she got up to go to sleep. And guess what, by that time my father was already snoring on the sofa in the living room! Zzz.

So much for nothing. Hours of heart-thumping for nothing. Thanks mum.

Well, but tonight is the last night I have to tell them, because I have to submit the form to school tmr already. What choice do I have but to just lay the pieces of paper on the table to await their discovery, much unlike what I had in mind if I had the chance to talk to my father alone last night. Too bad.

I think I knw what their reactions will be like, I just don't knw how to explain the retain-advance issue, but I don't want my father strolling in the principal's office completely clueless either. So I'll just let him see my results slip and the meet principal paper and...take it from there.

Okay whatever. 要来的总是会来. 要死的都是会死 =/
Back to WR for now and chem tutorial for later. Hope I get it done so Mdm Ang wouldn't be pissed tmr.

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother since I'm going to be retained anyw. But somehow I knw I should. I don't knw why though. Then again, hope the school doesn't stop me from wanting to be retained. Please stop doing this to me.

Zai jian.

2009-10-19T20:59:00.003+08:00

你好吗, 今天心情有没有好一点了?

你知道要怎么开口了吗? 时间不多了... 今晚吗? 就今晚好吗?
早点说出口, 心里就不会一直这么乱了.

至少说了不会一直感觉自己背负着一个那么重大的秘密.
不管反应如何, 只要告诉他就好了吧?
告诉他你的决定, 我想它应该会支持你吧...

希望如此...

你已经没有时间了, 知道吗? 没有时间再慢慢去想到底要怎么办了.
你不是已经做出决定了吗, 还在等什么呢?

不要再让这种沉重的心情维持下去了, 你承受不了的.
就今晚, 今晚, 好吗?

2009-10-17T22:13:00.002+08:00

I feel like my whole life is in shreds now. I just don't knw how to put it all in words.

By right, I shouldn't be feeling so bad. I've just done by (overdue) I&R and sent it out in the afternoon, and am working on draft 3 of WR which will be reviewed together with my group mates at my place tmr.

But this discomfited feeling just stays with me for the whole day. Or maybe I actually do knw what's messing my insides up. The fact that I still have not told either of my parents that they have a meeting scheduled with the principal in exactly 9 days to discuss about my dismal grades and my promotion status.

I feel like I am carrying this huge secret which is going to burst my mind soon. Almost everyone I knw had already told their parents, and they are more or less supportive of whichever decisions they have (except for JH). The thing is, even if my parents do knw, I'm not sure they are going to be very supportive of whatever I was going to say.

Maybe the school would really let me move along. Do I want it? I still don't knw. Which adds on to the whole emotional tornado happening within me. I've talked to many people, mostly my friends, a few seniors.. No one really supports what I want. Or tell me to just go along with what the school gives me. Don't knw if I really want to do that.

Dilemma. Not even sure whether I should keep thinking about it.

Lots of things I want to say. Kind of forgotten some, don't knw how to post about others. Life's just a mess right now. I hope things get better.

----

To the nasty passerby:
Hey, if you don't like me saying vulgarities, then I won't. If you don't like to see me push my problems around, then I won't.

Yeah, really.
I won't.

FUCK YOU. AND MYOFB! (No prizes for guessing what the F stands for! In Your Face, so what now? Shoot me?)
Hahaha.

Disclaimer: This part of the post is not even trying to deny what you say, like I'm bad in character or like a weeping baby. I don't care what you say. It's about you here, not me.

Dude, honestly? I'm not the least bit fazed by what you say because obviously you're not someone I give a shit about. I'm seriously too apathetic to care about some nameless little shitbag trying to act like you knw me say some wise words. Save it to write a book la.

If you don't like anyth about me or what I say, if you got a problem with me.. I can only say,
DON'T MAKE YOUR PROBLEM MY PROBLEM.

If I were you, I would really feel honoured. Since I just dedicated one part of my post to you.
Goodbye, I really appreciated the entertainment in my mundane life though.

2009-10-15T23:18:00.003+08:00

I'm totally spinning out of control now. PW is really taking its toll on me.

Guess I need to keep my emotions in check. I really can't help it man, as the time drags on all the things she's saying gets on my nerves because the comments haven't been there in the previous draft, yet she's suan-ing us about it just because we left everyth else as it was.

Poor organisation of points. Repetition. Weak ideas.

We took away what you didn't want, now you're asking why we did away with it. We did every other thing you commented on, yet the problems which weren't there before suddenly surfaced and seemed so threatening. How do you want me to accept this piece of work that my group mates and I put so much effort in?

I feel like this draft is in complete shreds, and it's supposed to be an improvement from the previous. Honestly, we just did what you wanted. So what more are you looking for? Making me fucking irritated seriously.

Stop contradicting yourself and pissing me off la. I don't enjoy doing what I did today either please. I can't imagine myself facing PW for another month. I'd go crazy.

2009-10-14T23:18:00.002+08:00

I hate it.

I hate the way they trample all over me and my pride, telling me as if to just accept the fact of repeating is for the best. I hate it that I spent so much time thinking about what I really want, and when I thought I had a firm answer, they present another option to me, and close off the one I had at first.

So what am I supposed to feel? Am I just supposed to let you people haul me here and there, as and when you like and just fall into the great plans of everyth? Are my opinions and feelings not a deciding factor? Is this not ultimately my life, and my choice to make?

Stop telling me that you think I can do it, and stop telling me that it is possible or just try. Stop telling me that the school is allowing me to advance because they think I can carry on. The school knws nuts about me and my learning attitude. And I knw, I knw, that I can't do it.

This is not something I can experiment with, try out to see how it goes because it is about my life and there is no turning back once I choose to step forward. And unless I am 100% sure that I am willing to give up my everyth in this 2 months to study, I am not going to want to move along.

What is the point? I can't make it but you push me up anyway? My thoughts are starting to falter and my initial decision not as firm as before. I knw I have the chance now, but do I want it?

All day I am wishing for a sign from heaven or someone wise enough to just tell me what to do. Instead of posing me more questions which does nothing but turn my thoughts in circles. I don't want to move up having accomplished nothing and bearing such bad records this year. I'm just not sure that everyth I do in the next is going to be able to cover it all up.

Everyth and everyth.
Is crushing me and I am drowning.

Brave.

2009-10-13T01:26:00.002+08:00

It's such an unearthly time now, and the only reason why I'm here is that I am waiting for laundry because I cleverly forgot to turn on the washing machine and only realised at midnight, and also trying to do PW (but to no avail).

Some things to talk about. I am happy with PW discussion today, and am glad Wenyi expressed her unhappiness towards some group dynamics. Today's discussion was spontaneous, and hopefully fruitful for all and made us understand our report more. Now I am piled up with WR things to do because I am the one who's been slacking around and not doing anyth for the weekend. So now it's going to get me.

Tmr is promotional day. And you knw what that means, it's about me and some other friends. But I wouldn't really spend all my time tmr thinking about whether right this minute they are reviewing my case or not, because as I have said, I have full well accepted everyth that will come to be. I am glad that my friends knew what I want and don't want to hear. Thanks Yijun, I don't need consolations, I don't need any pity, and you knw me well enough to not give me these. I appreciate that you told me it would be a better year ahead, I really do hope so.

Wednesday, I will knw for real. I keep questioning what happens if I get advanced. It would really get me in a spot, but I am so certain I want to repeat and do it again. On the other hand, I can't graduate with all the people I love, which is really a shame. I guess I will only think about this question when I get my result slip. I am looking for someone who is experienced and knw well enough to point the direction for me.

Have been filled with immense unhappiness these days. In fact, for a long time. I realised that t was impossible for me to keep going on keeping all these to myself. But I am glad I did open up and release every single bit of frustrations I had, and cried every bit of tears I could. Emotional meltdown, but I hope it guarantees me happier days ahead. This is really what I want.

I pray, please, don't let me advance. Please don't give me the chance of having to face a dilemma of what to do and what's best. Please. Just let me do it all over again, do it better, without regrets. Please don't let me have the chance to think again and wonder if I could manage. I knw I could not.

You'd think I'm crazy. Who wouldn't want to advance given the chance to? Well, I wouldn't. You can take my chance if I had one. I really just want to start over and do it properly. I have long since embraced this and anticipates the beginning of something new.

Please.

Reflections.

2009-10-10T22:38:00.003+08:00

PW is really something that spoils friendships, screws people up and makes all our lives so bloody miserable. I feel really irritated because I just realised that all the changes that Yunrou and I made to our WR on Friday had been undone due to some technical fault. Even the recovery file is totally messed up and incomplete.

What. The. Fuck.

Things could really start getting better because I am going insane. Not even talking about the whole retain-or-advance issue which is really taking up most of my brain space and everyth these days. Now I have to trudge on and set everyth right again before I could start to really work on the changes.

PW is really a fucked up piece of shit, and I hate every single thing about it.

FML.

----

I don't feel like I am in the mood to do anyth right now. I feel like I just need some time to relax and cool it off before I start on PW again. I guess I need to start taking out my scheduler and doing the work I actually write in them, and record down my events before I forget them. Enough of wallowing and the apathy to everyth. I am sick of myself.

I have decided to go back to training next Wednesday. I have skipped 5 consecutive trainings, the most I ever had in my 5 years here. And I have already told Jaslin and Wenyi, so it's not like I can back out because Wenyi assured me she'll do some destruction to my ass ._. After all, it is still comforting to have something I love to play and lose myself in. I never looked forward because it felt like such a chore and it's so tiring to be there. But these days without fb, even though I would not deny I enjoy myself. It's just kind of an empty life and I need some action in my life. I'm not even joking.

Lately, everyth has taken on this zero-effect on me. I reject trainings, felt like rejecting going to school, reject homework and I also reject listening in lectures because I think nothing is going to help me get through this. I am glad that my friends made me turn up in school everyday even though I really don't feel like it. I am really glad that my friends persuaded me to return to school that day. As I sat there, all alone in the empty canteen looking from a distance, maybe I found this feeling that got buried through the years.

I always claimed that I have no passion for my CCA. Even back in the days when I was in table tennis, I denied having any passion for it. I always thought I was doing it just for the sake of it. But do you knw, the feeling of achievement and assurance I can get from simple passion and belonging in a team is so immense that I feel that I need it. I think I have found the feeling and I am going back into RVFBT this time, perhaps with a different mindset.

If I am going to repeat everyth, I will make it good. I cannot assure I will not drop out from the team in future because my focus will ultimately have to be on studies. But I will do what I best can and I wish to go on till I really can't. I am starting all over again, and I really can right my wrongs and set everyth right. Honestly, I am looking forward to the next year. No matter what I end up being.

I knw now, exactly what I want to achieve at the end of all this. This wake up call came, maybe a little too late. But it's always better late than never. I knw I have regrets, and I knw the ending. Even though my friends are rejecting the idea, I have really fully accepted it. I knw what I will do about my life, and I don't care about anyth. I don't care about what others are going to think or say, I don't care if I am going to be a loner or make friends, I can't be bothered by any of it.

My biggest regret is that I can't graduate with all my friends whom I care about. Although they tell me we will always stay in touch and be as close, I knw what it really will be. Even if we really try, it is so hard. I knw, because I'd been there. Much as we would want to, we might not be able to.

No matter what happens in the end, I will choose to repeat and set everyth right. Okay friends? I wish you people best. Things will start getting better. Or so I would like to believe.

2009-10-08T22:26:00.003+08:00

这是用文字也稀释不了的感觉. 因为太过真实, 也太过震撼.

虽然说是接受了事实, 虽然说我不是在逃避. 但其实也没有说的那么简单, 对吧?
可是你明白吗? 你明白这种让人用一种充满同情的眼神看着你的感受吗? 你明白让人害怕一不小心就说错话, 让你难过的感觉吗?

我要的不是可怜, 不是同情. 我还是可以过得很好.
我可以放弃我的全世界, 我真的可以什么都不要. 反正什么到了这种地步都已不再重要. 我可以拼死拼活只为了让自己不再陷入同样的陷阱. 那个没有回头路的陷阱.

现在做的一切都不再对我有意义. 我只想要让所有的让人苦恼的事都结束. 我没有力气在继续这种挣扎. 没有心思让身边的人不为我感到难过. 不要为我难过, 我不会因此而倒下.

告诉我. 现在我应该要怎么办.
我没有选择的权利. 我只有坐以待毙为收场.

----

I guess when everyth has come to be 100% confirmed, and I have finally sorted out what I really want and feel about this, I will not speak too much of it.

No way out.

2009-10-05T23:00:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since I last updated. Over the last few days, I thought about many things and had wanted to post them down at many points. Somehow, I'm unable to find words for what I feel and what I really think.

School's really starting to take its toll on everyone. Be it post-exam lectures, lessons, homework, PW, the timetable. Every single thing adds on to the pain and disgust of having to go to school. I don't knw, maybe it's time to face up to the ugly truth finally.

I guess I've successfully pushed it to the back of my mind. Half accepted, half still in denial. I wonder why you had to come and talk to me with that sympathetic face, to show that you still care about how I do. Why do you have to come along and haul everyth out and force me to face it? Still, in a way, it was nice of you.

You knw, that's the thing about me not updating for a long time. The reason is because I have so much to say but they are all so disorganised that I give up organising my thoughts after awhile and just log off the page.

Going to do just that right now. Goodbye.

2009-10-01T20:46:00.002+08:00

Hardly can find time to update properly these days. I'm either too immersed in doing PW to take time out for posting, or I am just too tired to string my thoughts into comprehensible sentences. I have too much to say that I think I just don't want to say much to the people around me anymore.

Maybe I've come to a point where even posting about what I feel doesn't help in relieving my unhappiness. There's just too much I am feeling, it's overflowing and I can't contain it. I act like I am perfectly okay all day, and no I don't find trouble in that because I am really okay. But I am just ignoring and shutting out the other upsetting things in my life.

I don't knw what can I even say now that things are already like this. I am so jaded from everyth that whatever others say don't take any effect on me. I am fully prepared and accepted my fate. I really am open about it and I see it as a second chance.

You knw what? I really don't think it's a good time to post about what I really feel. Simply because there's too many things I'm feeling and that I don't have time to organise them properly. WR pressing on my like a heavy rock on my back.

Rock bottom.

2009-09-29T19:08:00.006+08:00

You knw what?

I really shouldn't have for one second, thought that maybe I'd stop hating you. I thought that maybe I really won't have to bear this grudge for so long. I thought that things are going to start getting better. I thought I didn't have to be a heartless person like you.

Honestly, nothing fucking matters. No matter what I do, and what I say. How much I had to swallow all my unhappiness and just fucking do what you wanted me to all the time. You just won't ever be happy with that. And I'll stop trying okay? It really don't fucking matter.

Stop telling me you are tired. Just stop fucking telling me you are tired for one second. Stop complaining you have to go to work and then still have to cook dinner for us. Stop telling me you think my having to wake up at fucking 5 am and stay in school till like 4pm is nothing in comparison to what you go through.

Seriously, just stop telling me all of that. Because I don't even fucking care. The way you don't give a shit to how really strung out I am. Especially since school began again this week. What do you even knw? I feel so damned tired I can't even be bothered to open my mouth to talk anymore. And what good would that do me anyway, you'll come at me with the cane again.

What the fuck? What am I even doing here? What am I even thinking of maybe I won't be so filled with vengeance and swear to make you sorry when I grow up? You are not the least bit deserving of me, or any fucking thing I do for you. You really don't even care.

I never asked you to be a super mum. I don't need you to be like one of them who work full-time, and reach home doing all the chores. Including cooking dinner, doing the dishes and laundry. If others could, why couldn't you? BUT I never even asked for you to be like this. I just ask for you to treat me like a human bring, who can actually feel fatigue and hurt and all the other shit you claim you're feeling.

But you never appreciated anyth I do. You never actually see anyth apart from what I didn't do. So many people out there probably never ever did chores before. Can't cook to save their lives. Wouldn't give a shit to what their parents said to share the chores. Yet every single fucking day, I do something, with or without you asking. And you can just pretend like I don't contribute to this house? Still?

Where the fuck is your conscience man.
And why are you my mother. My fucking sick, selfish and heartless mother.

I really don't need you. And talk about respect. Think about whether you even deserve it first. You, and everyth you do. Makes me sick and sad about my fucked up life.

Sad? I don't even fucking have feelings anymore. Other than hatred and vengeance.

[edit] I don't knw what is wrong with everyone at home, really. First, my mother complained about all that above. Then I proceeded to find that she didn't even bloody cook dinner today and I had to eat instant noodles. Thanks alot.

Then my father comes back home. And tells me I have to give up the comp to him after he's had dinner. Hello, what the fuck seriously? What is wrong with him, at the time I most had to chiong for my PW. He refused to get me or himself a laptop and now he wants to eat into my rightful usage of the comp.

So what do you think about that. I shouldn't even be here seriously. Home? You're kidding me. [/edit]

2009-09-27T23:37:00.002+08:00

Can't believe that school starts tmr.

Papers coming back? Yeah, like it makes a difference to me either way. I don't even knw what I'm supposed to feel about any of it. There's still PW to worry about now. Maybe if I get retained I'll just.. I don't knw what I'll do. Just get retained.

Though the updated timetable sucks, I sure hope the other things don't. Not within my mental capacity to take more shit.

Goodnight all, off to sleep before I doze in class tmr.

Facade

2009-09-25T22:39:00.002+08:00

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance.

- Alanis Morissette

----

I always feel like I am so in control of my life when I talk to others about things. But really. I'm just spinning out of control. I'm not going to bother about much from now on.

Today's Wenyi's 17th birthday! Though half the day was wasted in school, the rest of the day was spent at Kbox! Had wanted to go to the 10 bucks KTV place at Chinatown, but it was fully booked. So we had to settle for Kbox. Those who went are: Me, Sharm, Kexin, Dengyin and Cheehooi.

We got damn high and sang so loudly I think people in the next room can hear us. But I had lots of fun and shouted more than I sang till my voice was almost hoarse. Enjoyed myself loads! And the cake that we shared was totally heavenly, but sinful too! Hope the birthday girl enjoyed herself with us too :D

Warning: Unglam photos ahead.

Classic bollywood buck tooth. Best.

PM macs mugging sessions!

PW =x

Aglio Olio fan haha.

Note: Most photos are self-loving by Seow herself :D

Hope that it's been a great day for her! I am so strung out and my eyes are closing. There's still CIP tmr morning at the other end of the world. Tsk.

2009-09-24T20:52:00.003+08:00

I just had a perfectly civilised and polite conversation with my mother. Even though that is happening, I find that I can't bring myself to look at her face, and that I still hate her. But well, you can't exactly blame me for it. After all, she had beaten me up very viciously, twice.

Every time, when I recount this matter to a friend who would listen, I just think, how could anyone in the right state of mind actually side with my mother? She isn't just unreasonable, she's plain crazy. Maybe it's menopause, but whatever she is really just plain crazy.

Her raised and agitated voice bounces around in my head, the way she screamed out the words, that I never think I am wrong. And it is exactly the way I feel about her, she never thinks she's in the wrong. I keep thinking and thinking, is this really my fault? In any way? Am I really just wrong because she's my mother? I don't arrive at any conclusion. But I guess I'm not trying anymore. It's easier being oblivious to everyth.

Have been feeling slightly better. It's really a wonder I haven't gone crazy myself being beaten up like this twice. In fact, if anyth, I have only gotten numb from her canings. I don't really feel much, I don't want to talk back much. What's the point really, she's not going to get anyth I say, and all she will do is just give me lame excuses about why she does all the hurtful things she does.

Anyw, thanks to all the people who cared. And no, I can't call a police or go to some FRC places. All I can do is put up with this until I have my own income.. Which is not in the near future. I guess, without venting to my friends non-stop of all this shit, I might really have gone crazy.

Okay enough of heavy stuff. About today. Year 5 post-exams activities? A total flop, as usual. Honestly, I can't imagine how they sincerely feel we'd be interested. I don't knw why, but I feel slightly discomfited at the fact that those things are organised by people who are also 17, and who are supposed to understand what we like and dislike more than others. Apparently...not.

I feel quite upset after reading a friend's blog. I don't knw what it feels like because I have never had to be alone like that. I don't want to only do it now because I knw it's not going to be of much help. I just hope that, I will remember this next time. And be a better friend.

I have no hopes that tmr will be better, but still I shall be present. I am too lazy to write another letter of excuse, or go queue at the polyclinic to get an MC. Hopefully, after-school events are going to be much more entertaining and enjoyable. KTV for Seow's 17th :D

2009-09-22T23:49:00.004+08:00

How could you be my mother. How?
I don't understand, no matter what I say, and how hard I cry. I don't understand. You don't either.

You're not really my mother, right?

I really thought that things had taken a turn for the better, and you'll stop treating me like an inferior sub-human. I thought we could have a completely civilised conversation without so much as shouting.

Guess that was too much to ask for even.

Thanks for telling me, that you are entitled to treat me with disrespect, and in any way you deem fit. You can scream and shout at me, and beat me up again and again. Just because you're my mother.

Thanks for finally waking me up to the fact that I should just stop trying so hard, because in your mind, I don't deserve any basic respect that humans should have.

I don't knw what I do all these for. First, you say I don't do chores for you and you beat me up. So, I do them for you. Not taking into account the fact that my promos were in progress. No, you never cared. Then, now you tell me I treat you like you're transparent, and you beat me up again.

Tell me, honestly, hand on heart. How the fuck do you expect me to treat you normally, with the respect any mothers deserve, when you're just someone who don't care about my feelings, and don't respect me? You think I am a plaything? An object? And I don't have feelings? Does this idea sound very wild to you? That I have feelings?

I'm really not asking for anyth. Not anyth that you say, really. I don't need you to do every single thing for me, not make my breakfast, not do the laundry. I don't need you to give me everyth I need and ask for. I don't need and I didn't ask for any of that. I just ask for a little bit of understanding and some patience. Which I knw, okay I knw, I don't deserve right? Because you are my mother. What a fucking irony.

But all you can do, all you think is that you're right and I'm wrong. So really, is there a point to continue? I am so tired of this. I return home, you bark at me to cook soup. And while I was looking around for the saucepan, I just go "eh, where's the saucepan ah?". And fuck knws you'll just explode and run at me with the cane again.

One single "eh", and a few more slashes on my body. I tried grabbing the cane but I couldn't get it. It slips out and on my body it goes again. Next time, I wouldn't try I think. I should just sit down and let you hit me all you want because I really can't be bothered.

All this time, I talk in a completely civilised manner with you while your voice just raises a notch higher, and higher. I knw what I say don't really matter, but you could at least pretend to listen. Everyth I say, you just gave me an incredulous look and "how can I be wrong about that?" Yeah, alright, I'm wrong okay? I'm wrong. Everyth is my fault.

You tell me, when all the aunts came over, I didn't greet you, nor any of them. And I told you, you couldn't spare me a second when I called out to you. When I wanted to talk to you, and ask you things, you couldn't give me a second to even stop and listen. Now you're saying I don't acknowledge your presence. I wonder why I would even want to try if you ignore me three times straight.

Why? Why? Tell me, honestly. Why the fuck do I bother with you?

I tried. I tried to do everyth you want me to, and I never complained to you at all. You come and beat me up because you think I don't respect you. You tell me the day that I can dare demand for respect from you is the day I rely no more on you.

Mum, take it from me. If I had the ability to, I wonder why the hell I am still staying here. But okay, I will listen to you. From tmr onwards, I will greet you everyday when I see you. Do everyth you want me to. Never "eh" you again, even though I really don't knw what is wrong with that. Though bearing in mind that, I still hate you as much as ever, if not more.

And when I grow up. You wait and see alright? You'll wait and see.
Things really didn't have to turn out like this.

You hit me once, you did it a second time.
I knw I will just sit down and let you hit me. It doesn't matter. Doesn't even hurt anymore, you knw? Seriously. Just kill me if you will. It doesn't even fucking matter.

Every single thing I say. You tell me I am wrong. The way you almost spat out the words that "yes I am your mother and that's why I can speak to you in a nasty way, but no you can't because I am elder".

Okay. I get your idea. My tears have dried up. And I don't feel anyth anymore.
We'll just see yeah? See if a few years down the road, things are going to change. And you're going to be the one falling to the kitchen floor crying your heart out because your daughter couldn't give a shit to what you feel.

No. No words can justify what I feel. Unjust and just misunderstood. We have this huge misunderstanding which I keep trying to tell her about. But each time she only answered with a slash of the cane. Alright. That's all I want to say really. Nothing is going to help. Unless I move out or something.

Whatever. Bye.

When I see my sorry face in the mirror, all I really want to do is start crying all over again.

2009-09-20T23:29:00.003+08:00

Am feeling a whole lot calmer now, after a Mr Bean and a Slurpee. Plus of course, the people here are making much less noise because it is so late.

I shall properly recount what I had started out saying without all the profanities.

Firstly, about promos. Chem paper was screwed up because of my half-functioning GC. My heart was pumping so quickly I thought it would break out from my chest. I felt even more helpless when my invigilator told me he couldn't help me for this, as I wondered whether I had to manually calculate everyth, including log functions ._.

But luckily he helped me borrow a scientific calculator from Yunrou afterward. Anyw, I screwed the paper totally. Maybe I just focused too much on econs and didn't have enough time studying for chem properly. I couldn't even do the most basic questions and my mind was blank the whole time. So well, dunked one paper.

Had to borrow GC from Melvin for math paper next day. But I had already described what it was all like in one of the previous posts. So, no need for more elaboration. Anyw, Yunrou and Melvin are major life-saviours! Need to treat them to something man.. Hmm..

History paper was stupid. Gave up studying 1am the night before and just went to sleep. The paper was screwed to the max. I would be thankful to scrape S for it. I just sat around after finishing the first essay which I could write something for abd waited for time to pass. This promos is really quite badly done. I guess I am down for retaining. But..whatever.

Feel like time really changes people. But I am still the same. My cousin from malaysia just came over here to have a little gathering with my mum and all the other aunties, and she looks so different. And so does all my friends. I'm just the only one strolling around on the same old place and not moving forward.

I'm staying in this protected little zone of mine and not really seeing far out of it.It just seems like I am still 10 years old. Things need to change. But it is taking so much to change. Time will come when I become like everyone else. But seeing others already like this, I can't help wondering whether everyone had moved on without me.

Now come to think of it, it's no wonder Jianjie and other cousins always say I look like a kid. It's because I do. I just never change and forever look the same. No improvements. People at 17 are wearing nice dresses, going out to club and drink or whatever. I can't even reach home late. This little protected environment is what making me different? We were so happy to go home when the sky turns dark, now how pathetic is that.

People at 17 are everyth I am not. And when am I going to snap out of it to act 17, and look 17. I don't behave 17, I behave like 12. I am sick of it too, but I have no means of making it better. Everytime I see my old friends and whoever. And see how different we are. It keeps me wondering.

So when will I start becoming 17..

2009-09-18T00:48:00.002+08:00

Fucking miserable, helpless self.
I really hate history. I hate what I'm feeling like now.

Can't believe that I spent like 6 hours on end of CW alone, and couldn't even make sense of much. There's just too much that I need to knw, and too little time. Haven't touched Arab-Israeli conflict or religious fundamentalism stuff. Five freaking case studies to knw about and I knw nothing.

Forget it la, it won't make a difference anyw. I am so sick at trying to look at an essay plan, or powerpoint slides, trying to understand but really not understanding any single thing it says. Tells you a lot huh.

I really feel so fucking helpless now. A part of me just wants to turn off all this damned things and go to bed. But a part of me doesn't want to sit and do nothing till1.30pm tmr. I really knw nothing. Like seriously nothing and I'm feeling so frustrated. I should just skip the exam tmr. No point taking the paper.

Fucking hell will time just stop crawling pass. I don't knw what the fuck to do! Nothing is going in. I've been staring and staring at the same fucking things but nothing wants to go in. Then fine, shall just stop studying la. Force myself for what, nothing good is gna turn out from this anyw. Retain whatever la, I'll pick CSE or something. I really don't bother now that it's already like this.

Sorry man Mr Lai, I just suck at history.

2009-09-17T18:02:00.003+08:00

One last paper to go, but I'm acting as if the promos are over already.

I guess math just kind of hurled me across the floor and trampled all over me. I guess I can't really accept the fact that I thought I would be able to do something more than all my previous math papers. But apparently, I should have known it wasn't going to be so easy.

Okay, granted I only did last minute revision. Granted, I never did my math homework nor diligently practiced. So I guess, I deserve getting a great shock that I only knew how to do like 3 questions out of 13, and they might not even be right. Having made an effort to do questions, learn how to do implicit differentiation which I kept away from in so long, and face up to my greatest phobia since I was 11, albeit so little or insignificant, is something.

Yeah so I'd been doing badly in math since I was primary 5. Like seriously, way bad for a primary school kid should. Like 50.5 out of 100, so memorable. The way my teacher said she sort of gave up hope on me. I guess it just took its toll on me and made me afraid of math, and anyth that is related to it. Be it physics, or the math sector in chem. Never did well, and never particularly made an effort to.

I thought that this would be different. I thought the 3 hours would be something more than blank stares and nodding off because I just couldn't get anyth. The only thing I was getting was tired. It was still 3 hours of not knwing how to do this nor that. Nothing I could really do but wait for the hours to pass by, knwing my fate had just been sealed.

I don't even feel like studying for history now, because honestly what's the point. I knw it's going to be the same. I'm going to turn over the question paper and look at the question, half knwing and half not knwing what to write. Then I'll attempt a lame and weak answer that barely clears two pages, and it screams to Mr Lai that yes I've done zero studying, I don't knw what's been going on since the beginning and never bothered to find out, and wait for the 2 hours and 15 minutes to pass.

For promos to be over. And for me to finally be retained after all these years.
Honestly, I don't even mind retaining. I'll probably die in year 6 anyw. I can't imagine myself taking bloody history for 'A's. And it's unfair, I knw. Because I chose it, and I have the responsibility to do well for it. Well, I just can't. So let me choose the easy way out and pick something else less taxing. I just mind the part about my parents having to meet Ms Ek because I knw exactly what they are going to say.

"Aiya she never study la... everytime go CCA la... everyday go home use computer la... never listen in class la.."
Well, they are half right, but sometimes I don't have a choice on what I can attend and can not.

If I never studied, I could always make up a reason for not knwing how to do the questions. If I did, then there's really nothing to say. Whatever it is, I just deserve it.

Whatever I can't be bothered. I am going to cram things now for history into my head. Maybe if I'm lucky I can pass, and then I might not be retained. I hope I don't mix up all the facts like I have the tendency to.

[edit] History is so messed up. Urgh. [/edit]

2009-09-15T16:42:00.004+08:00

Life just slips right through your fingers before you can catch it in time.
Nothing can make it stay when it's meant to go.

Be strong, because that's how he would like to see you be.

----

Is it me, or is it my surroundings that is making me feel more and more lethargic and sick of everyth everyday? I can't fall asleep at night for gods knws what reason, resulting in my extreme fatigue and affecting my mind for the papers I'd taken.

I don't want to be retained but after taking the econs paper today I kind of think I don't have a choice. Losing faith, losing faith... Chem, math and history to go. I really really, from the bottom of my heart wished I had more time and I swear I'd really give math and history a good look-through. But too bad I don't.

Chem? Not even halfway through but I wonder if a miracle could happen. Actually I just wish I can fall asleep when I go to bed at 1030 tonight. Do you knw what it feels like to be crazy tired but somehow you just can't lose consciousness after lying on your bed for about 2 hours? It's really freaking irritating. And I wished the people at home could be a little more considerate to my situation and let me fall asleep.

For crying out loud, you wonder why everyth is just so difficult. Maybe if I get retained, I totally deserve it. And it's about time too, since I'd always been struggling. If I get promoted I'll probably die in year 6 anyway. But hell, another year in this place is just unthinkable. Like 6 isn't enough? I don't want to make it 7. Lack motivation, seriously. I keep wondering why everyone can do it if they want to but I just can't. I can't do work even if I knew my life depended on it.

When will I ever wake up, or maybe studying is just not for me. Too late, the papers are half gone. Econs and chem are going to make my 2 H2 passes for me to promote. Since I'd be stupid to pin any ounce of hope on math or history. Otherwise, year 5 all over again.

Econs paper started well actually, the CSQ wasn't very difficult till I got to the 8 mark questions. Then I started losing momentum.. And I kept nodding off I had to pinch my leg to stay awake. Essays were just downright disheartening. For one thing, it was all very short answers which already made me feel like everyth I wrote is just rubbish. And for another, I just have no idea how to continue writing. I just want to pass, for the sake of me painstakingly summarising COP, market structures and market failure. Please, just give me an E I'd be thankful enough. That's all I am asking for.

Getting so fucking tired just from this.
Seriously, I wish I could help myself.

2009-09-14T20:47:00.003+08:00

Am trying to think about happy things, because I suddenly feel like I have nothing to live for, seriously.

After promos, I am going to:
1. Buy pretty stationery
2. Go shopping with girlfs
3. Go Kbox
4. Stayover at someone's house
5. Have fun outside and only return home at like 10pm
6. Eat pasta / Swenson's for 14th
7. Cook pasta for the people I promised to
8. Bake pretty cupcakes
9. Be more committed to PW
10. Catch up on work during holidays (if I get promoted)
11. Run away from chores as much as I can
12. Be happy.

And I deserve it.

[edit]
I feel so tired and uncertain about many things. I don't knw whether what I'd been working so hard for is actually going to give me what I deserve at the very least. Still, no time for regrets anyw.

Life has gotten so sad, so pointless and so painful.
I really don't need you to derive your happiness from screaming at me once a day. And without substantial reason.I'm not your plaything and not your venting outlet. And in any case, if one day I go berserk myself and decides to kill myself, I would like you to knw that it's because you ruined my whole life, and I hate you.

Hope you live a great life. I would expect afterlife to be less of roses and daisies for such an evil person like you. [/edit]

2009-09-13T22:52:00.002+08:00

Bitch.

你无情, 我就无义.
And shut up. Because you have no grounds for any argument.

[2]

2009-09-12T21:56:00.001+08:00

I hate that spiteful tone you love to use when you're talking with me.

I thought we'd come to terms. I thought I already said I'd help after promos. Now, my promos have yet to start and you're already hurling all sorts of things for me to do everyday. Like, just tell me, which part of what I said do you not understand?

I just did what you said without complaints, but even that can't make you happy. Now you complain that I don't do what you don't tell me to, and yet I go out everyday from early in the morning and only return late at night.

"钱拿了, 东西就要做."
I'm not doing a trade with you.

For one thing, I have already made damned clear to you, unless I am not in my right mind, I will never do something for you willingly, and without you asking me to. Nobody will. Like what, you think I have all the time in the world to continue doing free labour for you? Especially at a time like this. Promos are 2 fucking days away yo.

And for another thing, I went out of house at like 1pm today, which is not exactly early already. And I reached home at 9pm. For fuck's sake I knw friends who only reach home past midnight! Complain is all you do all day. For once can you just shut the hell up and see what I am actually giving up for you?

I am studying like 8 or more hours everyday, and once I reach home, all you do is just throw stuff on me to do. And you still dare to ask me why I even bother coming home. Yeah, like why? Who in the right mind wants to come home to this kind of place?

You used that tone again. Said that if I take your money I have to do work. The more I say this, the more it sounds like child labour to me. And then, you went on to tell me that if I piss you off again you might just pick up the cane and let history repeat itself.

Hi, woman. Wake. Up. You might let history repeat itself, but I won't. This time, I will make damned sure I grab it out of your hand and shove it in your face the way you did to me the other time. And throw it out the window. You can thank me for not caning you back, because I actually have a heart, as opposed to you. On second thoughts, maybe I don't. Because seeing you cry just fills me with glee, and I might want to see you beg me to stop hitting you.

But I knw I won't do it.

I feel the pain, but not one ounce of fear.
Just try.

Stop feeling superior. Because really, the only reason I'm not talking back or retaliating to what you do is because I can't be bothered, and I have more important things to do. Just try man.
And you'll see what I mean by I am not afraid.

I just see no way out. Since you said that if I want your money I have to do work, so I don't take your money and don't do work. And throw my phone in for you too. Then you flare up and get unhappy and beat me up. You give me back my phone and money, and now make me start doing chores for you because you say I take your money.

Did I ask for it back? Even if I was struggling with what little bit of money I have, even if I have to eat instant noodles every dinner and nutella bread every lunch, and have no money to buy myself drinks during break. Even if I can't have a phone. I don't even mind. Oh for fuck's sake, would you like to make up your mind what you'd like me to do?

You're one hell of a messed up woman I'll never figure out.

[5]

2009-09-09T22:57:00.004+08:00

Finally felt quite accomplished at completing history essay plan with Sharman today.
Hope it doesn't get smacked back in my face.

[edit] Just minutes after this post, our essay plan was sent back. I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Our essay plan was thrown back in our faces. I feel sad and doubt I can EVER do well for history. [/edit]

[edit @ 146am] Crazy time. Just looked through Kasmir essay plan, going to sleep now. Study date tmr, still deciding where to go. And I realised (not like I didn't knw it before) I'm a freaking indecisive person. Haha, too bad.

Anyw, feels like I need some SERIOUS freedom after promos. Ever since the OSIM masquerade, my father doesn't seem to be willing to let me go for CIP that starts freaking early and has long hours. He thinks I'm out fooling around. Don't even knw whether he's gna let me go for the one I recently signed up. Especially after seeing his reaction when the certificate of completion of the OSIM CIP came through in the mail yesterday.

"Another CIP?!"
"Certificate only la..."

That CIP comes with allowance man. Okay you people stop giving me the look like I am so evil and money-faced $.$ But I need the money what! And it's always a bonus, don't tell me you don't want it.

I can't go for overnight CIPs, no sleepovers, no overnight mugging session, can't go overseas with friends (that's more understandable) But hell, my life is a sad reason for living. Can't have anyth.

Tired to the max. Goodnight. [/edit]

[6]

2009-09-08T17:52:00.002+08:00

Feeling much better lately.

Have been doing revision with Wenyi these days. Though it hasn't always been productive, and we talk a lot of crap, but still can manage, I hope.

Just received an email from Mr Lai telling us all the essay plans and notes we can refer to as our "cheat sheets" in preparation for the exam. And he'd uploaded everyth on IVLE, including practice questions, which very unfortunately I have to say I can't attempt, because I'm too short of time.. Makes me feel obliged to do well for history.

But damn hard ):

Doing econs revision today. Done Perfect Comp and parts of Monopoly. But am unsure whether it is in my head so I kept going over it again and again. Which is quite a waste of time. Zzz.

HOW TO STUDY EFFICIENTLY AND EFFECTIVELY? I'm a dumbass man.

Zai jian, going to study Monopoly now D:

P.S. to SWY: CSECSECSECSE WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS!

----

[edit @ 2006]
Hi guys, I'm really stupid because I haven't done a single thing except watch the gory bits of Saw 2 and 3 and eat dinner in the past 3 hours.

WASTE OF MY ALREADY NOT ENOUGH TIME.

I think I am going to stick to my new regime of taking afternoon naps until late and then revising till 3am. I will plug my earphones in if I have to keep my eyes away from what's showing on TV.

Distractions are so lethal. Now, econs, for real.

[/edit]

Better [7]

2009-09-08T00:36:00.004+08:00

Happier things today!

At OSIM CIP ages ago. Liow is a triathlon finisher! LOL.

At Army Open House:

Wei Quan the long-lost senior! Pardon my big mouth ZZZ.

Like the huge gun? :D

Today, celebrated Chiouyih's 17th birthday at BPP mac with lots of other people! We gave her a surprise, think she enjoyed herself (:

Group photo:

Everyone looks nice here. Minus me and my big mouth. Tsk.

After promos this year, I want to bake cupcakes that looks like this:

Aww, so sweet!

Anyw, thanks to everyone that showed your concern for me. Really thanks a lot to you people. I'm fine, not suicidal or anyth, and I'll be okay. Shall strive to become Ironwoman as Yuhong and Junhao said. Evolve from Superwoman ;)

----

I've given up and never reminisce
I've found a way of getting over this
I let go in every way
'Cos I don't need you

Stronger [8]

2009-09-07T00:35:00.002+08:00

Hey world.

I'm still alive, so surprisingly. Still able to talk and laugh, and run and jump. Like nothing had happened to me at all. Everyth still looks the same. Except the fact that there are numerous scars across my calves and back. Swollen, bled, and blue-black.

I have nothing to say to it. There is nothing left to say anyw. The harm's done and nothing can change it. And now there is evidence all over me to remind me of the hatred. I knw that nothing can salvage this, because it's been so long, and we've had so many talks. But it just doesn't work, because you never can seem to understand what little things I feel.

You don't understand what the whole issue is about. It is really not something so minute as you see. It's how you trample all over me every time. You don't see all that I have actually done for you, and dismiss it halfheartedly. Have I not done everyth you want, the way you want it, by the time you want it before? Have I not listened to your every word and bidding, and did as I was told?

How could you just ignore everyth that I spent my time and effort on?

You never seem to see that the things you say and do actually cause me hurt. Are you trying to make yourself feel better? To convince yourself that you actually are in control of the whole situation? Or were you too unhappy to see me getting on each day like normal, without any difficulty, much as you would like to see struggling? Was that why you let the cane rain on me, let me bleed, and see me cry?

You just want to see me inferior to you, don't you? You want to see my pleading for you to stop, and backing away from you and your cane.
But I did not plead, and I did not cower. Even as you caned me, again and again, I did not back away. Did not even flicker. I let you hit me, again and again. I'm not sure why I did. But no, it's not because of your tears. Your tears are worth nothing, and I feel nothing seeing you shed them.

If hitting me makes you feel better, you can. But you can see it yourself, that I am no longer afraid of you, or anyth you do, like I used to be.

So what if you've give me my phone back, given me my allowance back, helped me do the laundry and ironed my clothes for me? I don't need you. Nor any of these things you do. Now it seems like I have a burden to carry. All over again. Did you think that after hitting me so madly yesterday, you can revert to doing those things willingly? You just needed to vent your frustrations on me? And after that, everyth would be fine?

You're a sick woman. And I still yearn to grow up and be free from you.

And I will be fine. Just like nothing had ever happened. And when those wounds heal itself bit by bit, until it finally disappears, you might be fooled into thinking that nothing really happened. But I won't.

I should let the whole world knw about you and your abusive behaviours. There must be at least 20 wounds on my body. I hope you feel guilty looking at my bleeding, sore and ugly legs now. And I will not wear anyth long enough to deliberately cover it.

Still alive, still alive.
Sometimes I'm really thankful that I am so strong-willed. And I will not crumble and fall, just because of you. All the pain I'm feeling now, is just numbing me more and more. I shall never believe that you loved me as your own, nor that you have my interests at heart. I never felt so, probably never will feel so.

You should wonder over why I never ask for things from you, and why I never repeat my requests. It's simply because I knw you won't see it the way I do, I'd given up since long ago. What's the point really, of wasting my breath on someone who will never understand.

You claimed that you would understand and let me off if I'd asked nicely the second time. That's just what you think. I'd done it so many times that I'd given up totally. Stopped asking totally. Because you just won't understand.

You think that everyth you do is justified and I am the biggest spoilt brat in the world. Let me tell you this. No spoilt brat stands years of doing chores for you like your free maid. No spoilt brat stands there doing nothing while you hit her. No spoilt brat gives you face like I gave you face.

You always claim to knw me inside out. So what do you really understand about me in all these years? Nothing huh, I can tell. Such a great disappointment. I thought things needn't have to end this way.

My heart is brimming with emotions that, even after writing all these, it has not settled one bit. But I already don't knw what else can I say. Don't even knw what else I can do.

2009-09-05T14:05:00.002+08:00

心死后

今天终于

什么都死了

身上千刀万剐的痛不比心痛
说了这么多哭了这么久你还是不懂

After all this fight. I'm back to having nothing.

I don't understand [9]

2009-09-04T21:03:00.001+08:00

Having a splitting headache now, and I don't knw how, or why it started.

I really wanted to come here and complain about more things, in an angsty and heated manner. But I feel too exhausted now to muster up that strength to flame people. So dudes, your lucky day. Still, I got to say that the school's really dumb to the max. Causing many of us utter inconvenience, and not even bothering about our welfare. Thanks for the half-explanations, but they sounded really crappy to me.

That's all I want to say to you dudes.

Now, I would like to give you guys another warning/reminder. Do not text/call me! Apparently my mother has taken a liking to spam calls to my friends who text me. So yeah, please don't give her satisfaction of doing so. Remove my number from your phone please, remove me from the groups I'm in and everyth because I won't be able to receive them anyw.

Finally had some decent food today. In case you don't knw what kind of torture I've been going through, I shall tell you.

Monday night, my mother didn't cook dinner, so I had to eat instant noodles. On Tuesday, which was a school holiday, nobody bought me any breakfast, and my mother disallowed me to take money from her. So I ate instant noodles for brunch. On Wednesday, I ate instant noodles again for lunch and dinner because my mother only cooked for my brothers (WTF?).

Yesterday, no, not instant noodles. But cold and disgusting vegetarian beehoon (no offense, but I really disliked it). My parents just don't care that I dislike eating beehoon. I've been eating the lousy prawn noodle from stall 8 in school for I don't knw how many days because it is only $1. And finally I am eating stall 4 today! Like salvation man. Because of this, I managed to save quite a lot of money this week. And damn sick of noodles now already because I've eaten so much of it. And my mum finally cooked today, but she cooked noodles. I just felt like puking looking at it. So I told my father I ate outside already, which is true too.

After seeing this, I hope people will stop hounding me for money which I really need not pay. Please understand my situation and not demand for my money anymore. Tyvm.

9 days left. Feel so sick.

Crazy [10]

2009-09-03T21:58:00.001+08:00

I think I'm going crazy.

10 freaking days to promos, and I practically have not done anyth at all.
Don't knw what the heck I am thinking of man. But I am too exhausted from doing my WR till late for the past 2 nights.

Anyw, I want to say that the school admin is damn retarded. I was late for school today, and I reached at 8.50am. After the William person recorded my name down and everyth, I went to class.When I got back home, my father asked me whether I went to school because the school called at 10+am to say I did not report to school. Hello?! What is your point of recording stuff down when you don't bother to take note of it uh? Totally lame please.

And to our dearest student council, seriously, this is from the bottom of my heart. Stop coming up with lame things like "Mr/Ms. RV" which totally serves no purpose at all. You might find votes with slightly unkind things written on it,and yes, I wrote it. Just to let you knw, coming up with stuff like this does not really count as improving student welfare or really doing things for us.

Don't do all these and claim that you guys do alot for us. None of these really affect my life in school, so honestly, WHAT IS THE POINT? Anyw, Yeejin says that the statement "The biggest year 5 post-exam celebration EVER!" is invalid, because it is like, the first. Stop the nonsense la.

I think our school is already crazily elitist enough. And is in no need of more people advocating things like this. Not everyth needs to be a competition or a show for all to see man. You guys should try and start to face more serious problems instead of such things that are really a waste of time and resources.

Sincerely, from a concerned member of the student body.

P.S. It's alright if any of you reading this are councillors, or have opposing views to what I say. Because I don't care. Go write it in your own blog and don't disturb me with more nonsense. Tyvm.

2009-09-02T00:57:00.002+08:00

Freaking PW's got me staying up at this unearthly hour. Okay, maybe not, it's only like 1am. But for me it is!

It's such a crazy cold day today I keep shivering even though I am wearing a jacket right now. Don't think I'd be too keen in getting up for school in a few hours' time. Considering that (i) it's such a nice temperature to laze around in bed and; (ii) I'm still not asleep at this time.

Goodness I think I must have gone crazy from all the things coming at me all at the same time. On a lighter note, tmr's Wednesday which means that both history lessons are gone! (But I think there's gna be make-up lessons, nasty). And no lectures, no training. Just quiet little tutorials and chem make-up lesson.

Missing those days back when we talk cock all day and all night, and write silly letters drawing silly things. Sharing secrets and bitching about people. No la only you listen to me bitch because you're too angelic to bitch about others. Haha the times. Miss you and your lame jokes yo. What brought on such emotions? I don't knw but it suddenly feels so overwhelming I have to express it! Get together soon (:

Things really change as life gets on. People come and people go in my life, and it's never in my control as to whether I want to keep them.Best friends yesterday becomes acquaintances today.Things that I thought would never change and will be this way all my life are showing me, bit by bit, that nothing lasts forever..

As life goes on, I'm forced to leave behind some things, some people. If I could, I really would like to go back and pick them up again. I missed all the things that I used to do with these people, that we don't do anymore. We have our own lives and own things to do. We will not remain as the sole thing in each others' worlds anymore. Guess I just have to accept it since this is life for me.

I really just want to go and huddle under my blanket...): The cold's so demoralising haix.

In the end [12]

2009-09-01T12:13:00.001+08:00

In The End - Linkin Park

It starts with
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Or wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how

I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised

It got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

13

2009-08-31T23:15:00.004+08:00

Just two weeks left till the start of promos. What have I done? What can I say. After I've finally cleared all the assignments at hand and can start on revision, PW pops out of nowhere and spoils my plan. But no choice huh.. So much for putting it off till now.

Feel so jaded. The thought that after this week ends, it would be the last 7 days left to final exams. I can't believe that it's the most major exam I've had in ages and I've not started revision.

Everyth in me wants to start, but everyth around me is stopping me. Earlier nights and earlier mornings I guess. Wish me luck that I can revise fully my 4 subjects in 13 days.

History's particularly worrying, because I honestly do not knw anyth from the start till now. And all the time essays roll around I do last minute work and research that only covers that area. Which explains why I never get a good score for any of them. Math is almost a goner, have never passed at all. I hope that econs and chem would pull me through. Somehow.. somehow..

Sometimes I really wonder why are some things so hard. I just read in the papers that there's this female prodigy who is only 14, yet she has already taken 'O' levels and gotten As in all subjects. And she's going to proceed on to take 'A' levels soon. At 14. Her brother's equally smart.Is it just because they are home-schooled? Doubt so huh.

Why do such things happen?

Feels like a failure.

2009-08-30T01:21:00.002+08:00

It's so late now, I wonder why I am still not in bed though I'm feeling rather tired. Maybe I just don't want to meet Sunday in the morning to realise I have an untouched history essay to rush out by 6pm. Or maybe I just don't want to open my eyes to remember I am too hard up on cash for one meal out.

I feel like the shopaholic. Being so determined that I'll save money from what little I actually have but never ending up the right way. Just that I am not quite so self-delusional, nor spend all my money on shopping. Still, it's a bad situation, and she's still better off since she works and earns some money.

Life has gotten so tough.

I try so hard, but it doesn't even matter. I might never win, but I'll be obstinate about what I deem as right till the last moment. I said that I will never subject myself to the kind of slavery again, and I will hold true to my words.

Nothing matters, then I suppose I could just leave everyth behind. And move on myself.

Succumbed again. I'll never win.

2009-08-29T10:56:00.001+08:00

So yesterday haven't been an awesome day. Partly because I started the day getting an incredibly low mark on my GP common test which just made me feel like I'd lost touch with writing essays. And maybe finally understanding why some people thought GP was hard.

Then came PE lesson, which made my shoes and socks soaking wet. Plus some bits of grass and mud up my legs. Well, at least I did okay for the assessment. Or life would just have proven to be impossible to live through since it sucks so much. But tough luck to Sharm though, lol. Shall not elaborate =x

Went out for Mcvalue lunch after school with Liow. Had a satisfying Big Mac meal and set off to do some work. It's the most productive study date since.. since forever. I took about 2 to 3 hours understaning the topic on Oligopoly alone. The notes are really not helpful because so many things are unclear. But never mind, at least I got that down and out of the way for now.

Had wanted to start on revision for econs already. But there's still bloody history essay to hand in tmr. As usual, I have no freaking idea about the question we are supposed to write on. Like, no inkling. So, tough luck to me now huh. Anyw, if I get retained, I'll make sure to not take history as my H1 again. Something, anyth else but just not history.

Have a study date on later. Hopefully I'll be as productive as I'd been the past 2 days.

----

Finally, she's starting to make me do chores again.

A note in the morning:
"Toh Sin Yee, 把衣服晒出去. 抹你的房间."

I could almost hear it coming out of her mouth. Those commanding words, and that tone of voice. I contemplated for about 2 hours whether I should do it. She can even do it in a bloody note. A part of me thinks I should just ignore that note, since there's not much else she can do to me even if I just leave the house without doing any of it. A part of me just wants to stop stooping to her level and playing mind games and just get it over and shut her up.

I just did the laundry. But not going to mop the floor because I took too long contemplating and I don't have time. If she's unhappy that it's dirty, she can jolly well go lick it up herself. I almost haven't been in it, except to sleep, all week. Anyw, doing chores makes me feel more justified to eat up all the things at home. I just ate two packets of Hello Panda and a peach yoghurt. Lol.

So whatever. I don't knw. I find that when I wake up in the morning everyday, the first thing that comes to my mind is the money I have left and what am I going to do to make sure it lasts longer. I knw that this morning when I woke up, I was thinking whether it would be appropriate for me to steal off my ATM card and withdraw another 50 or something.

You knw what? I knw that doing those things she commanded me to do will not earn me back my phone, nor the 10 bucks which she took away from my allowance. And okay, I really don't need my phone but I really need money. I knw that she will not give anyth back to me unless I have agreed and promised to revert back to doing all the house chores. Which I will not.

I knw that I am going the hard way. Like what can a few chores do to you? Why do you refuse and reject it so much? No.. You're wrong. I am not rejecting doing house chores. I am perfectly fine with doing it. It is the way she commands me to do it. Like seriously, I am a maid or a dog. And what can a few house chores do to you? Lots.

I wouldn't even half mind if she just wanted me to do the odd laundry on weekends or mop the floor. I can do all the dishes even. But when I get back from school, so tired and all I want to do is really to eat, bathe and sleep. Then she tells me to do the laundry every single night without fail. And I have to iron the uniforms some nights as well. It just makes me wonder what does she really do at all la.

Cook dinenr? She doesn't even cook like every single day. So what happens is that, she gets back home from work at 2pm, while I am in the middle of some lesson, like history lecture, or chem lab, or floorball, or econs tutorial? And then she goes to sleep until like 5pm? And then she cooks dinner, and sits herself down in front of the telly till she goes to sleep.

Yes I knw this, because there are days when I've been sick and stayed home and seen her do all these. Chores she's done all day? Hmm.. Wash her own clothes and cook dinner. And when I get home around 7 or 8pm she'll be like "iron the uniforms and do laundry later, I am so tired. Oh and remember to fold the clothes."

So, WTF? What are you tired about man.

Just shut up already.

The worst thing is not just about doing the chores. The thing is that she claims that I never ever do anyth to contribute at home and I treat my house like a hotel where I just come home to eat and sleep then leave early in the morning again. HELLO? So your clothes have hands and legs and are capable of laying themselves out on bamboo poles, can iron themselves flat and nice and hang themselves up. And fold themselves into neat piles too?

And yeah, not forgetting that her dishes can scrub themselves clean and hop up to the rack. Like stop being a bitch la. You ask me to do, then I do it despite being tired myself. Then she doesn't even appreciate it. Yeah that's another problem, after I do something she'll just complain that it's not well done. For fuck's sake then do it yourself and don't waste my time la. Help you do you still complain.

Whevever I ask if she can do them because I am feeling tired, like after floorball. She'll say "you chose to join one what, none of my business, you never do finish cannot sleep." Excuse me, what do you think about that now? And there she was saying, if I am really tired I would have asked her to do it for me and she would. My arse la, just shut up and stop acting like a saint lo. Like talking to you is any use at all.

Whatever la I really wonder why I just rambled off so long on this. I am not mopping the floor see what she wants to do to me.

What do you feel like after a draining day at school and can't even seek solace at home because it is a whole new battle going on? Fucked up huh.

2009-08-27T23:00:00.000+08:00

Didn't do anyth since I got back home, because I'd done everyth that is urgent at hand to hand in (: For once. This shall be a short (and angsty) post because I am going to sleep soon.

I'm angry with so many people. I feel like I am constantly angry with the world, but I have come to accept the fact that there is no point in trying not to be. Because there are just so many irritating and effed up people out there to piss me off.

Seriously, if you simply have nothing to do then you should just hide in a corner and entertain your own sorry ass la, why do you come and ruin my morning with your very unfunny actions, and expect me to feel amused? Ah, fuck yourself please thanks. And get the hell out of my sight. I do not appreciate anyth you do at all.

AND TO ALL THE USELESS PEOPLE AT HOME! STOP EATING AND DRINKING UP ALL THE THINGS I BOUGHT FOR MYSELF WITH MY OWN MONEY YOU IDIOTS!!! YOU DON'T WANT GIVE ME MONEY THEN DON'T TOUCH MY THINGS OKAY, BITCH!!! RAWRRRRR!!!

And lastly, I want to complain that my cash is depleting at a rate that is as fast as the speed of light. All because my mother refuse to give me anyth more than my weekly allowance. And I have to pay for every other shit on my own. Which is really coming up to alot.

Math TYS + class photos + floorball photos + photocopying fee!! Bloody 20 bucks please. I'll just keep stealing my ATM card out and withdraw money to survive. Shoot me if you not happy.

2009-08-26T21:23:00.001+08:00

Things to complete by tonight:
1. Integration 3 assignment
2. Alkenes tutorial
3. Ionic Eqm assignment

Starting to complete more homework. Sacrificing some sleep. I've always tried to balance between amount of homework done and amount of hours slept. I have always chosen to sleep over doing homework. But maybe things have to change now. I shall derive my happiness and satisfaction from completing homework, and wintermelon tea :D

Oh yeah, the photos for CCA and class are out. And no surprise, I look so black and fugly in all of them I wonder why -.- Aiya actually I knw why la, like what Jianlong says "It's time you did something about your hair, it's getting messier and messier everyday" and black... I'm just black lo... D: But anyw, still love floorball informal shot! Woohoo buying 8R stick on my wall :D

I wish that my life will start to become happier as I throw things that don't matter right out the window.
Anyw, it's official. I will not be having a phone at least till the near future. So if you want to contact me, don't text! My evil mum will read and delete it. Call me at home or IM me on MSN! Life's good without a phone (:

And I love your mp3 (:

2009-08-25T21:18:00.000+08:00

Things to complete by tonight:
1. GP comprehension
2. Econs MF tutorial CSQ
3. Math graphing remedial worksheet

As promos draws nearer and nearer with each passing day, I've come to realise how very very short 24 hours in a day actually is. Not that I don't knw this already, but it's so real this time I am intimidated by the thought of it.

I don't have enough time for sleeping, not enough time to do homework or revision, not enough time for everyth. I just feel like everyth is piling up and drowning me along with it.

I don't knw man. I don't knw what to say. Maybe I should start doing some of the things listed up there. So I wouldn't be stopped going to my break tmr.

):

2009-08-24T23:07:00.001+08:00

Things I am supposed to complete by tonight:
1. Alkanes tutorial
2. Alkenes tutorial (part)
3. Math graphing remedial worksheet

Things i have completed tonight:
Nothing.

Miserable days. Goodnight.

2009-08-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

I have not done everyth I should, but I already feel drained. Shall turn in soon since tmr is the start of the dreadful week. Monday blacks D:

Was just reading some archives and gathered my thoughts about what I have read. In love, promises are not everyth. Sometimes, it is even nothing. Promises brings disappointment, and I would rather do without such unneccesary things.

Words are cheap, let your actions prove.
A love without any such promises can be as beautiful.

----

[edit]

You are the worst misery of my life and the most inhumane person I knw. And you gave me this life. What a fucking irony.
Fuck you, bitch. I really hate you with every fibre of my soul. Time would come and you'll get what you deserve. Just you wait bitch, just you wait.

Nothing left but hatred. Can't you see? Why do I have to bother to help this heartless woman do any of her work? Just because I'm her daughter? She fucking deserves to slog her ass off man, slothy bitch. Why does she have to give me so many things to hate her for?

Honestly. I can't be bothered to open my mouth to answer her or look at her hateful face. I'm just patiently waiting for the day she's old and frail and can't do no shit but beg me for forgiveness. And you can bet I won't do that.

Help you? In your fucking next life, NOT.

2009-08-23T14:26:00.001+08:00

Things to complete by tonight:
1. Econs tut 5 essay 3a, 3b
2. Econs tut 6 essay 1, 2
3. Update history journal

Flooded by econs homework, madness.

Anyw, am here to post about the friendly match with Catholic High C'div boys yesterday. We lost the match 8-3 but I have no regrets, because I think I did give my all and ran my ass off for the match against the bunch of monkeys from Cat High.

Wasn't quite feeling well at the start, but I decided not to let what happened during the IJC match to repeat again, so I just did what I should. The boys were fast, and they dribble the ball well. The first period we played was rubbish, but it gradually got better and more aggressive too.

But that's not the main point. The main point is that, those boys lack basic respect and sportsmanship that all sportsman should have to qualify for matches. Okay, granted they are only 13 or 14, but they should also be mature enough to knw that it is inappropriate (to say the very least) to laugh or jeer when your opponent has fell or injured themselves.

It's just plain sickening to knw that I woke up at freaking 6am and travelled halfway across Singapore to play with a bunch of insincere assholes and self-centered pigs who cannot even be bothered to shake your hand properly, say thank you or good game, or even look at your face. Spirit of a sportsman much?

But whatever, grown-up people like us shall not bother about immature little boys, as how Stella calls them.

After the match, which drained all my energy and leaving me a cramp in the inner thigh plus a sore elbow from a hard fall on court, we were made to do suicide drills. Zzz up and down flights of stairs. Almost died. Glad that I made it out of the gates of Cat High alive, albeit not very kicking.

Then went to J8 with team for lunch at LJS. Couldn't remember the last time I went out to eat with the team, if I had ever lol. Funny incident happened in LJS between Eileen and one of the staff of LJS. But that person was just plain irritating, and I still cannot tell if that person is a male or a female.

Alright nothing more to say. I think I should embark on my work now.

----

Nobody can seem to understand my thinking, and they all think that I am wrong. Stop taking me for granted, it is not the 19th century anymore. I refuse to conform to the traditional mindset that females are the ones who should do all the house chores. And I don't see why not doing it means that I have no right to take money from my parents.

They brought me to this world as a human, it is their responsibility to make sure I have enough to eat and a shelter above my head. I do not have to use labour to exchange for money, what kind of screwed up logic is that? Conversely, they are not entitled to having us take care of them in their old age, because some of them just don't deserve it, for example my mother.

And I will not die even when I grow up, because I already knw how to do all these. It's not as if I have never done anyth before and grew up like a spoilt brat. It's not that I refuse the chores, it's with the way they order me to do it like I owe them something.

Yes, it's true that when I grow up, chores will fall on my shoulders as well. At that time, I will accept it because it would be my responsibility, as the mother of the house or whatever to do the work. But now, I have a living and breathing healthy mother. I don't see why I have to do it.

It just makes no sense. It is a generation gap problem, and I simply cannot see things their way. So stop preaching to me that I should help my mum. It is what she is supposed to do, and none of my business really. Full stop, say no more.

I don't even care if anyone reading disagrees with me, I believe in only myself.

I want to get better.

2009-08-21T23:37:00.001+08:00

Friday is coming to an end soon, and the weekends can't really be fully utilised for studying. Still feeling so tired, especially after my 4km today at the stadium around Pioneer with Wenyi. Nontheless, felt accomplishment, finished it in around 25 minutes. Then we did 20 sit-ups because Seow felt like it. Stretched, and walked home.

Having friendly match tmr at Catholic High, which is like at Bishan. Need to wake up crazy early, so I guess I'd better sleep soon. Am really feeling worn out from the whole week which seemed to drag on and is neverending.

Still, feeling happy since my EoM had been approved for printing by Ms Tee already. So, my choice to fight fatigue and do my EoM drafts 4 and 5 in the past 2 nights had paid off (:

It's just 3 weeks left to promos, and no, I have no so much as started on any bit of revision. Am feeling quite stressed out, but I can't do anyth about it because I can't even finish all the homework that the teachers are drowning us in, not to even mention revision. I really feel helpless, so what am I supposed to do?

Why can they do it, and I just can't? Has it something to do with me, or something out of my control? I really need to do something about this, but everyth around me is not making things easier. I want just simple things, to start my revision, do my homework, and to have more sleep. Why is even that so difficult?

As I saw what happened in my face today, I contemplated the reason for the action. And realised that I had just been running away the whole time. If I really sit down and think about it, all the topics that are tested and I am unfamiliar with is intimidating. Maybe that action will be the justification for my lost and messed up feelings, but I knw that I will not, and cannot crumble, simply because I have not tried hard enough yet.

Still, I feel lost. And trapped.

Can you tell me what do I have to do to catch up? Can you make it stop? All the things around me that I don't want, and don't need. Can it stop, please? I constantly feel irritated at all the nitty gritty things that don't matter, maybe because I'm overflowing soon. Can I please take a breather? And remember where I am and what I am working for?

I have lost all senses in the numbing rush. Happiness has fallen to negative.
But no one has the time to stop and care, because they are all in the rush themselves.

2009-08-20T23:17:00.002+08:00

Didn't accomplish anyth tonight, except for 1 question in chem tutorial. I didn't get my EoM back. Sometimes I really feel so sick of life.

How do I describe what I feel right now? I am not a good person, not in nature and I don't try much. I don't care much. I don't want to knw much. I just want to live and let live.

My mind is filled with many "why?"s now to which I think I will never figure out the answers. So why bother, I'm going to sleep and escape for awhile.

Stop bothering me.

2009-08-20T21:06:00.002+08:00

Things to complete by tonight:
1. Ionic Eqm ~12
2. EoM final draft (if I get it back in time)
3. Math remedial worksheet 4

Feel good that I managed to complete my EoM draft 5 last night despite from being so drained from training. Hope I will keep to my daily agenda because I find that writing things into my scheduler will cause me to conveniently forget it when I get home. So I don't really write stuff in it anymore.

Good progress for chem tutorials, a little for math (at least I'm doing something, it used to be nothing). And econs just seems neverending because before I can finish 3 essays, 2 more comes up. So ohwell, what to say?

I hope I can keep up the momentum of doing work. I haven't started on revision for promos yet. And there's only 3 weeks left till promos. Plus, trainings are not stopping just yet, and PTs shifted to Saturdays. But my problem is just with Saturday trainings. Urgh, I feel damn trapped.

Running 4km tmr after school, since it's already the last day to do it and I have waited till now. Zzz. Many things irritate me easily recently. Like over-enthusiastic staff in McDonald's who pissed me off majorly yesterday. And all the bad service attitude. Plus rude and noisy people who make hell lots of noise in the school library. Maybe it's just PMS, because I do not hesitate to tell people off.

Time is not on my side, and I do not need extra (unimportant) things to add on to the load. I don't wish to do things merely for the sake of it. But hello la, who gives a damn to me.

I hate having to comply to a supposing responsibility, while having no positive feelings or whatsoever towards it. I see no reason and it's binding me. It's just a bad time la, can't you see?

Am turning apathetic and ignorant. I just don't want to be bothered by the same old thing anymore since nothing ever bloody changes.

2009-08-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

Things to complete by tonight:
1. EoM draft 5

Nothing else because I am so drained from training.

2009-08-18T21:53:00.001+08:00

Things to complete by tonight:
1. EoM draft 4
2. Integration 1 assignment
3. Functions & differentiation remedial worksheet

And I have abit more than 1 hour to finish all these.

Anyw, I just wanted to post about my freaking screwed chem SPA which I took today. This time I don't think I would do well for it because I keep making mistakes. And a lousy dropper screwed my life!

As I was doing the last bit of marking up of the graduated flask with de-ionised water, I was using a dropper. Then I squeezed a few times, just the last few bits left, and guess what happened? The glass part of the dropper detached itself completely from the red rubber top, and the glass part fell into my graduated flask.

LIKE WTF?!

I swear I was already feeling stressed with two teachers doing experiments at the bench behind mine. They probably thought it was freaking funny. I didn't, because I had to redo the whole damned thing. My confidence had already dipped to the minimum possible point. Zzz. This is totally my craziest and messiest pactical ever. And it had to be the one that matters. Wtf.

After that I just didn't really feel very confident anymore so Iwasn't very careful. I think I made many mistakes I normally wouldn't make. But WHATEVER LA. Zzz.

Life damn tough la. Go do work liao, bye.

2009-08-17T22:07:00.001+08:00

Monday: Just over, half dead.
Tuesday: Chem SPA, math remedial (~5.15pm)
Wednesday: 4km run (?), training (~6.30pm)
Thursday: Econs make-up (~2pm) (hopefully nothing else springs up)
Friday: Chem make-up, floorball PT, history make-up (~5pm)
Saturday: Friendly match with Catholic High C'div boys (reach at 7.45am, Bishan)

I always hate myself for living at Boonlay. But if I'm lucky it might be the last Saturday training I'll be attending.

WTF?! Friday is supposed to be my earliest-released day, at 11am! What the complete effing crazy shit. Tell me what is the point of having a timetable please. I am starting to lose track of my life, and all my senses as well.

Anyone needs me to remind them that promos are like less than 30 days away? The above schedule is very not befitting for my current position. Please do something about it, tyvm.

2009-08-17T19:39:00.002+08:00

告诉我你认为我应该做的是什么.
我就老实说, 我不知道, 真的不知道你到底还要我怎么样, 你才可以让我不要这么痛苦地过.

已经到了一个连对话都没有任何意义的时候, 因为我说什么你都不懂, 你也根本就不屑去懂, 我到底为什么会这样. 你说我变了.

不, 我并没有变. 是我已经忍受够了, 厌倦了被你当成一条狗呼来喝去的. 累了不能休息, 不能做我应该做的事. 每天都要活在你的阴影下. 我真的忍受够了你的无理取闹.

你说你只想要回家后有个机会休息一下. 难道我就不想吗? 每天天还没亮就出门, 太阳下山后才到家. 你以为都是我愿意的吗? 就连你下班后我都还在上课. 我自己不想要回家好好休息吗?

就只因为你是我妈, 我就什么都不必说了, 不是吗? 你还要我说什么, 你知道了也不屑去懂, 还要我跟你说什么?

我回家根本就没有任何意义, 你也知道吧? 回家是为了什么, 看你的脸色, 过难过的夜晚. 等到闹钟响起的时候, 匆匆离开这个没有温暖, 没有人情味, 不像家的家.

钱你不给, 就不给吧. 电话不还, 就拿去吧. 我的衣服不洗, 我自己不会洗吗? 没有你, 我活不下去吗?

现在就告诉你, 我不需要你.
不需要你的不关心, 你的无情无义, 你的蛮不讲理. 没有你我一样会过得很好. 我会过得更好.

我一点都不需要你.
心已灰, 意也已冷. 除了我自己, 谁都不会明白我是多么认真. 我一点都不会后悔.

事实就是, 我不需要你. 你也不能永远都铐住我. 总有一天我会有办法挣脱. 而那一天来时, 我会永远记得你对我的特别照顾. 你不要后悔. 后悔也已太迟了.

----

Life has become terribly meaningless and painful, but I've learnt to seek solace in homework. (o.o) And look on the bright side of all things. To see that there is actually a bright side for all things.

Maybe it's only when all else fails that I find my friends and others around me so valuable. Thanks for your concern.

I will definitely be fine, because I am stronger than this.

Please stop.

2009-08-15T18:50:00.002+08:00

I have no idea why I'm feeling sick again. What's with the queasy feeling in my stomach the whole time, urgh =/

Anyw, I wna say that, me and liow won the second prize card for the Netbook today. And our reaction?
The first time: OMG, are we lucky or what?!
Today: WTF scam la!

He's probably right that there are thousands of people who have the prize card. Because we saw one guy at the other table with it too. 3 out of 10 all in the span of 30 minutes at JP? Not bloody likely. URGH I think I'll never get that Netbook D: I'm condemning LJS along with Subway if I don't get to win it man ):

Oh and also, we noticed that the 4 people sitting to our left, plus the other 2 on our right, all got the exact same design for the mobile phone screen wiper. This is so disturbing, I'll never eat at JP LJS if I want to get something that is what I want. It's probably better to win a "Thank you for your participation", than get the stupid prize card and have it slip out of your hands!

Pictures from 1308:

Our giant meals!

Me and the huge burger :D

Homework this weekend is as usual, crazy much. Haven't accomplished anyth today because I spent all my time researching for history, but to no avail. Urgh life damn tough D: Need to get more productive than this man, 4 weeks to promos. Damn disheartening.

Time for some self-reflection? I guess.

I thought I knew what I wanted. So clearly and I thought I had it all in my reach. But apparently, I guess not. It's all still so far away. How long more is it gna take me to finally embrace things, or how much more do I have to change to make everyth right? I'm really sick, and so tired. I don't knw how to describe things just that I am so sick of life right now.

Everytime, something just happens and makes me change my mind all over again. I'm pacing up and down square 1, and nothing I could actually do to hurl myself out of this depressing quicksand that makes me sink deeper and deeper. Or is there? I'd like to think I have all the control, and I thought so. But maybe not. My resolute each time crushed by fatigue and my wavering determination.

I don't even have time to hesitate and pace around anymore, waiting for a decision, for me to sort out my thoughts. The other day, was just discussing the issue with class girls. Retain? Or scrape pass? For now, I'm at least scraping the promotion criteria, but it's not enough. And I can't afford to drop even a little. I guess, we all knw what we want, somehow. But we lack the urgency and motivation to do it.

For me? Way more than that. I need some things to stop reeling me out of control. Seriously. I am so certain it would help. And I am so desperate to have it stop, but it just won't. It just comes back to haunt me again and again. Relentlessly, and cold heartedly.

Can you understand this struggle? Can you see that I am trying? No. I don't think you do.
I wish you do, just because I am so sick of explaining it. I really wish you do. Because I want it to stop.

Or do I just have to admit that I have no control over my life.

ONE YEAR :D

2009-08-13T23:32:00.001+08:00

This blogger page is getting more and more ridiculous.

This post shall be the last thing that I'll do before I go off to bed. Freaking tired today. I find that my dark circles have really become very visible ahh D: This is bad news, need more sleep!

Anyw, today is a happy occasion! Went out with liow after school to Vivo for Carl's Junior! We spent almost 2 hours finishing the huge meal, from daylight till it was dark out, but it was satisfying. Reached home not long ago, almost 10pm. And my stupid parents forced me to eat dinner. I swear I can puke everyth out right now.

I'm really so full! Grr..

Something funny happened on the train back home. I shall not post too much about it, in case people flame me, but what liow said was freaking funny. "Did they come from Antartica?" Haha okay you guys don't understand lol..

And just a random note. Our school's econs department is really getting more and more cmi.
Oh and I wanted to post about something that is more substantial and less brainless. But I'm too tired to think. Will save it for the weekends I suppose. And along witht he post Seow asked for. I have not forgotten!

For now, sleep is my only target and priority.
Goodnight!

2009-08-12T12:35:00.004+08:00

Day off from school because I'm sick. Bad case of sore throat and flu since yesterday, had a headache halfway through chem prac and then developed a fever when I got back home. Freaking unlucky.

Eating now feel like a chore because whenever I open my mouth, my chapped lips feels like it's splitting apart and the ulcer and sore throat don't make it easy to chew and swollow. FML.

Anyw the school finally called me today, lol. Did I skip school too many times? ._. Aiya anyw I'm really sick this time round and was still in deep sleep when they called. I hate this laggy computer which takes one hundred million years to load something. Have been wasting time here since 10am.

Haha damn cute, click to enlarge.

Was eating this awhile ago. It's very nice and cheap! Used to eat it when I was young and have no money. Grow up liao still no money LOL. 90 cents at the mama shop downstairs only :D

Sapporo potato!

Haha okay bye!

2009-08-10T21:31:00.001+08:00

Some people just make life fucking miserable.

Still have not been productive, but so what? I'll just stay back during break on Wednesday and finish the damned remedial worksheet la.

Thanks for letting me knw that I am unimportant, as your(s) actions have blatantly shown so. Just when I thought that maybe I didn't feel so bad towards it. Now I think that I am fucking stupid for thinking this way. Because you(s) are just what I had made out to be. Fucking hypocritic and uncaring.

You(s) don't need me, I don't need you(s) either. But just stop blabbering all your(s) shit and making me believe. Shut the bloody fuck up and stop pretending!

Fuck you and goodbye. I really wonder why I even bother trying. You're so not worth it. I hope I never fall for your fuckload of crap again.